Deciding to Come Clean: One Man’s Vasectomy Experience

Today, we’re delighted to have a great guest post about…well, you just have to read it. A retired health care professional, Sunny Lobo is currently a professor of Anatomy and Physiology. He’s a long time volunteer for Planned Parenthood.

There I was, naked from the waist down, in a room with a man I barely knew. His hand strategically wrapped around my prized possessions.

I kept thinking, “What am I doing here”?  I never thought I’d do anything like this. What would people think of me if they knew? To say that I was nervous is an understatement. I could just get up, get my clothes on and leave. No harm done.  But I told myself, I was being true to who I was as a man. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t thought long and hard about going through with it.

I said, “Okay, let’s do it,” and we did. To my surprise, it was over before I knew it.
“Happy Mother’s Day,” I said to my wife when I got home and told her what I had done.  She was surprised, but delighted. We had talked about my doing it and she was wholeheartedly in favor of my decision, but I hadn’t told her that I had put my plan into action. “I’ll be needing your help over the next couple of weeks,” I said. “I need to have at least six orgasms before I go back and see Frank again.”

Frank, you see, is the urologist I went to for my vasectomy.  I did indeed feel strange and awkward at first, but the “procedure” was quick and remarkably pain free. I was a bit uncomfortable for a few days and was certainly careful. Very quickly, I was completely back to normal. Physically nothing changed at all for me. Emotionally I couldn’t be happier with my decision. No ill effects of any kind.

It was definitely the right thing to do. My wife no longer had to be concerned with any kind of birth control, freeing her from a task that she carried out for years. We no longer had to even think about birth control. I was and still am so happy to have been able to do this for both of us.

Mother’s Day has just passed and maybe you gave your wife flowers and candy are nice. But what about giving her a gift she can conceive of as a gift that keeps on giving?

Check out the National Institutes of Health for more information about vasectomies; click here if you’d like to schedule a vasectomy at a local Planned Parenthood.

(PS: Sunny also happens to be Fosgood’s husband; check back for her post on this tomorrow!)

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Today is a guest post from one of the other members of our affiliate who also works with a gender studies department at a local college.

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM).  Like all campaigns, that means lots of ribbons (teal, in this case) and some local events listed below, but what does this month really mean?

The national campaign officially began in 2001, but it has its roots in locally-organized events going back to the first Take Back the Night marches in 1976.  While there are a number of different types of activism that take place in April, sexual assault is one of the issues where “awareness” is still a very necessary step in getting us to a place where we can organize effectively.  Since over half of all sexual assaults don’t get reported, it’s a huge problem that doesn’t get discussed as much as other less common crimes.  While statistics don’t always address the full scope of what falls under sexual assault, 1 in 6 women, 1 in 33 men, and 1 in 2 trans* people will experience rape or attempted rape during our lives.

Statistically, this means that even if we haven’t been assaulted, we all know people who’ve been raped. This is an issue that affects everyone.  And like the numbers show, this isn’t just a ‘women’s problem,’ even though it can get treated that way.

Making sure that the scope of this issue gets appreciated is a big part of SAAM.  But in addition to bringing attention to this issue, many groups are shifting the focus of this month to be Sexual Assault Awareness and Activism Month.  There are a lot of projects and programs around this, ranging from victim advocacy to bystander training to broad campaigns to help eradicate rape culture.

That last one is particularly important to me because this month brings a lot of light onto great programs to help people learn how to protect themselves, how to minimize risk, and how to deal with bad situations.  While those are all really important, they don’t address the fact that sexual assault survivors aren’t the ones who’ve created the problem of sexual assault – rapists, abusers and assaulters have done that.

The poster below is one of my favorites when it comes to this arm of sexual assault prevention – this is one of the few ‘tip sheets’ where I can say with certainty that if we all followed its instructions, we would end the problem of sexual assault today. (Thanks to Tumblin Feminist for creating it, and the US Navy (of all things) for making it more widely disseminated.)

Stop Sexual Assault PosterResources for survivors

National
RAINN
Survivor Project

Local
CARE (Charlotte)
Peace River Center (Hardee, Highlands & Polk)
The Dawn Center (Hernando)
Crisis Center of Tampa Bay (Hillsborough)
ACT (Lee)
Sunrise of Pasco County, Inc. (Pasco)
Suncoast Center (Pinellas)
Manatee Glens (Manatee)
SPARCC (Sarasota & DeSoto)

Activism / Events

National
Circle of 6
Project Unbreakable (trigger warning – this project is about people using art to reclaim words that were used against them when they were assaulted.  It can be very powerful, but is a very emotionally charged space.)

Local
New College of Florida events (Sarasota)
Tampa and Manatee events

Pro-Voice: Speaking Out About Abortion

Speak OutToday is a guest post from one of the other members of our affiliate who also works with a gender studies department at a local college.

A few weeks ago, when Rush Limbaugh attacked Sandra Fluke for talking about birth control, he reminded me of many things – first and foremost of which is that I really dislike Rush Limbaugh. After I got past the incoherent rage though, it made me think a lot about the fact that we don’t hear from many Sandra Flukes when we’re talking about reproductive health. And we hardly ever hear people’s personal stories about abortion unless it’s a pretty intimate conversation.

Politically, we talk about abortion a lot as a society. Whether a candidate supports choice is one of the main campaign issues that comes up in elections, and access to abortion services is a perennial topic in DC and in state capitals across the country. But it’s still rare to hear personal perspectives on abortion – last year, when Rep. Jackie Speier spoke about her abortion as she fought to stop the Republican efforts to defund Planned Parenthood, her remarks were a watershed moment. No other female politician had ever spoken about her abortion so publicly.

Since 1 in 3 women in the US will have an abortion by the time we’re 45, there are a lot of stories out there that aren’t getting told.  Rep. Speier isn’t the only female politician who’s had an abortion, but she remains the only one who’s talked about it so openly.  Part of this is because not everyone wants to talk – deciding to end a pregnancy is a very personal decision, and even if there were no debate around abortion, some people would choose to only discuss it with a small circle of friends.

But there are some people who want to talk about their experiences, and this volatile political environment makes it much, much harder to find a place to discuss it.

In the past few years, a lot of different projects have emerged that address this – some are focused on creating a platform for women to share their stories in an apolitical space (Exhale, Backline, The 1 in 3 Campaign, The Abortion Conversation), while others create a connection between personal stories and political support for choice. (I’mNotSorry.net, the #Ihadanabortion hashtag on Twitter). But all of them highlight the multitude of stories that come from women who have had abortions.

This overall movement is often called pro-voice – all of these projects exist to create a place where people can speak about their experiences.  Their reasons for speaking out vary widely and everyone’s story is unique.  This variety isn’t well-suited to the often narrow structures of political debate, but reality is complex – pretending otherwise doesn’t help any of us.  However, making sure that we’re listening to each other and creating ways for people to talk about their experiences openly will help us all.

FYI: I’ve worked with Exhale for a number of years as a freelancer and volunteer.

The Transgender Dating Dilemma

What's Normal Anyway by Morgan BoecherToday, we’re very pleased to have Morgan Boecher guest posting on The Feronia Project. Morgan, who is trans male, runs What’s Normal Anyway, a webcomic about being trans male.

Sexual health takes on new meanings for those who transition from one gender and/or sex to another. Not only are there plenty of challenges navigating medical care for physical health, but there are the less frequently discussed issues of maintaining mental health while negotiating the minefield of sexual relationships as a transgender person.

When I came out and began the social and physical transition from female to male, I started creating a comic called What’s Normal Anyway. The comic helped me reflect on my experience, connect with others, and expand the narrow world of transgender media by a little bit. I also had a secret reason for putting my comic out there: maybe it would help me get dates, I thought.

Now, perhaps a webcomic artist isn’t quite the sexiest thing one could imagine, but while I was entering a realm of foreign gender customs and newly sprouting secondary sex characteristics, I was looking for reassurance in any form. Until that point, I had lived my life as a reasonably feminine female who did not have trouble finding straight boyfriends. While I had a hard time identifying with heterosexual dating scripts, I at least knew how to follow them. As a masculine person, I found that the rules changed. Straight guys no longer flirted with me, and what on earth would gay guys think of me? (Of course, there are straight and gay trans men, but they are relatively few and far between.) I sometimes felt more like a curiosity than dating material.

Dating experiences among transgender people must be incredibly varied due to the multiplicity of identities, sexual orientations, and bodies represented within the community. At the same time, each attempt to form a new relationship poses some degree of risk for a transgender person. A date does not have to react with violence or hostility to make a trans person feel disconnected, feel not enough of something – not man enough, not woman enough, not queer enough.

Dating presents another layer of challenges for transgender people trying to be themselves, and be loved and accepted as such. The will to keep in the game can require a great deal of resilience and self-esteem, and the journey is rarely clear and simple.

But hey, that’s what makes for good webcomic material after all.

Morgan Boecher is a Florida-grown New Yorker who is working on a Master of Science at Columbia University’s School of Social Work while he creates a comic about being trans male called What’s Normal Anyway, which he updates every Monday at whatsnormalanyway.net.

Breastfeeding in the Workplace

Good morning! Today on The Feronia Project, we’re featuring a guest post from Kevin Sanderson, an employment attorney, talking about discrimination against breastfeeding in the workplace – and the efforts that the federal government is making to make it stop.

There has been an angry reaction to news of a recent U.S. southern Texas federal judge’s decision to dismiss a discrimination case brought by the Federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission A mother balancing baby bottle and briefcase.(EEOC) on behalf of Donnicia Venters, who was not allowed to return to her job after giving birth, after she asked her employer about accommodations for breastfeeding in the workplace.

Ms. Venters left work December 1, 2009.  She gave birth on the 10th.  She suffered an infection from her caesarian birth that delayed her return to work and was not cleared until February 16 to return to work by her doctor. She told her employer that day she wanted to come back. She was fired February 10. The letter informing her of the termination was not sent until February 20.  The judge did note that Ms. Venters spoke with co-workers for a total of 115 minutes during a 30 day period while she was recovering from complication, She had not yet been cleared by her doctor to return to work but consistently told co-workers she wanted to and would return to work.

Pregnancy discrimination is rampant. So is family responsibility discrimination, which is what I believe this ultimately was.  This can happen to anyone: a spouse, parent, child, etc. who needs to care for an immediate loved one but also needs to be able to stay employed over the long term.  I think the “mistake” this 6 year employee made was informing her employer she was going to continue to be a “problem” after already taking medical leave for the pregnancy. (This is worth highlighting as any complication before or after a pregnancy or any other health related issue can easily cause a person to miss more than the twelve weeks a company may be mandated to hold the job open for the employee.)

The EEOC should be applauded for filing this case in the first place.  It appears they were trying to use this as a test case to establish precedence for the right to breastfeed in the workplace and the results backfired.  EEOC attempts to do good work with what resources they have, but they are notoriously and intentionally underfunded.  (Remember, this is the agency Ronald Regan appointed Clarence Thomas to prior to his appointment to the U.S. Supreme Court by George H.W. Bush – and it’s also where he worked with Anita Hill.)

Many people probably don’t realize the EEOC brings very few court cases compared to the large number of charges of discrimination they receive from employees every year.  They use their limited resources to go after the largest employers (such as Walmart) and rarely take cases on behalf of only one employee.  They must have felt this case was important enough to do so.

There is reason to believe that the EEOC wanted to highlight this topic. They recently held a public hearing with a panel of experts in D.C. on Unlawful Discrimination Against Pregnant Workers and Workers with Caregiving Responsibilities. The EEOC stated in its related press release that “Despite Laws, Guidance and Willingness to Work, Many Pregnant Women and Caregivers are Denied Job Opportunities, Workplace Modifications, Leave, and Equal Treatment.”

Kevin Sanderson is an employment attorney representing employees alleging discrimination in the workplace. He can be reached at (941) 244-0468 or at http://www.srqattorney.com.

Cervical Cancer is Preventable

We’ll be back with our regular Fun Friday this afternoon, but this morning, we’re featuring an op-ed from Dr. Sujatha Prabhakaran, MD, MPH, FACOG, our Senior Vice President of Medical Affairs/Medical Director, to mark Cervical Cancer Awareness Month.

January is Cervical Cancer Awareness Month, and it’s important to know that cervical cancer is preventable.

It is one of the few cancers that has two proven strategies to prevent – not just treat – the disease. In 2011, more than 12,000 women were diagnosed with cervical cancer and over 4,000 women died from it.

Almost all of these cases could have been prevented if these women had had access to either cervical cancer screening via Pap smears or to the HPV vaccination – or both.

One thing may not know is that Pap smears don’t usually detect cervical cancer. What they detect are precancerous cells, cells that aren’t cancer yet but show changes that suggest they could become cancerous. Once we detect precancerous cells, we are able to provide treatments to either destroy or remove these cells and prevent them from ever becoming a cancer.

Women who have regular Pap smears (every 2-3 years is now recommended for most women) have a much lower risk of developing cervical cancer because, if they have an abnormality, it is often detected in the precancerous stage.

Another way to prevent cervical cancer or prevent precancerous cells from ever developing is the HPV vaccination. Most cervical cancers are caused by the HPV virus. Seventy percent of cervical cancer cases are caused by two particular types, 16 and 18, which are included in the vaccine. By getting the HPV vaccine before they are exposed to those viruses, women can significantly reduce the risk of developing cervical cancer.

Access to these types of preventive care is vital for the health of women.

While uninsured or under-insured women do have access to Pap tests and HPV vaccinations at safety net providers like county health departments and Planned Parenthood, this access will improve as women’s preventive health services will now be covered 100 percent under the Affordable Care Act.

I’m certain this will be a welcome change for women all over the country.

Trans* Health: Finding a New Doctor for General Medical Issues

Today is a guest post from one of the other members of our affiliate who also manages a gender studies department at a local university.

In an ideal world, everyone involved in the medical field would understand that “mark one: M/F” doesn’t work for all of their patients.  Sadly, we’re far from an ideal world, and especially when you’re approaching a new medical office for issues unconnected to transitioning (getting tested for STIs, getting an annual exam, getting antibiotics for strep throat), there are a few things that you can do to make it a little easier.

1. Ask your friends for a recommendation.  This is probably the best way to find someone, since you can follow in their footsteps.

2. Research potential medical offices in advance.  Some practitioners aren’t going to be a good fit for you, and it’s best to find that out ahead of time, rather than after an expensive appointment.  Some steps to consider:

3.    Bring a friend – this can be a stressful experience, and having someone who can be your advocate is a real boon.

4.    Plan out what you’ll do if the office is horrible.  Sometimes, you need a prescription for antibiotics and you’ll decide to grit your teeth and get through it, but if you know ahead of time what your exit strategies are, you’ll be able to walk out when it’s warranted.

5.    Lastly, please go to the doctor when you need medical attention.  Depending on finances and insurance, go to a clinic, find a place with sliding-scale fees, make a drive to get to the nearby town with a supportive doctor, but don’t neglect your health.  Your body deserves to be cared for and deserves a doctor who will treat you well.

Here’s some more links that may be helpful:
http://transequality.org/
http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/talk.html
http://doctorz.wordpress.com/

Love Making: It’s About Connection, Not Erection

Tantric Sex for Busy Couples book coverToday’s guest post is from Diana Daffner, who runs Intimacy Retreats, about the power of intercourse without the pressure of an erection.

Contrary to the bombardment of advertising for erectile enhancing drugs such as Viagra and Cialis, erections are NOT always the main ingredient in love making. Really? If you’re a male reading this, your first response might be – she’s kidding, right?

However, if you’re female, you might already have an inkling of where I might be going with this. (Although you too will be surprised!)

Let’s start with basics. For self-pleasuring, all by herself, a woman may indeed enjoy using a dildo that simulates the stimulation of an erection or she might not. Vibrator focus can be entirely on the vulva – the outer vaginal area, highlighted by that queen of sensations, the nerve-packed clitoris. Wow, thousands of intense signals transmitting directly to the brain, with no purpose at all except for pure pleasure!

While the clitoris has her own erectile qualities, she is unfortunately often less than fully engorged before a couple begins intercourse. A woman’s arousal time is usually longer than the man’s, and often the whole act is over before she’s reached her peak fullness.

Hold on – don’t worry, I’m not suggesting we take intercourse off the table.

I do remember, though, my first discovery of how delightful sex could be even without intercourse. My lover and I had found ourselves without protection and therefore our typical pattern of foreplay-leading-to-intercourse had to be scrapped. What I had previously thought of as “foreplay” instead became the main act itself. This was quite an awakening and thoroughly enjoyable.

Don’t leave yet – the really good news that I’m about to share with you is that an erection is not even needed for intercourse itself!

All this public fuss about erections has gotten us off track. What’s more important in a relationship is the connection you make with your partner. That’s what puts the love into love making.

I used to think that if my partner didn’t have an erection he wasn’t interested in connecting with me sexually. Wrong. I learned that a guy can really enjoy pleasuring his gal “all the way” without using his penis. Honestly, this can be a major turn on for him!

And even more amazing, I have learned that intercourse itself can be achieved and enjoyed without an erection. Generally referred to as “soft entry,” this type of love making has many benefits. With the pressure off of having to maintain an erection, the focus can be more on the connection itself. The bond of love between the couple deepens in a way that brings a meaningful and delicious charge to the relationship. Resting in the arms of my beloved, hugging him inside and out, I experience more bliss than even those clitoral nerves can transmit – the bliss of pure connection, unhampered by sexual effort, enlivened by sexual presence. My husband and I call this “Peaceful Passion.” It may take a little maneuvering but it can easily provide a strong dose of daily intimacy.
Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads Intimacy Retreats for couples, in U.S. & International locations. Visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com for their schedule.

Outdated: Binary Categories of Sex and Gender

Today is a guest post from one of the other members of our affiliate, who has a background in sociology, that wanted to share something creative with the internet.

One of the most informative and compelling factoids that I have ever heard regarding the difference between sex and gender states that, “sex is between your legs, gender is between your ears.” This idea immediately stuck with me because it did an excellent job of summing up some of the basic differences between sex, a category of biological distinction, and gender identity, the byproduct of social and cultural influences and power relationships. Up until the mid-1950s, the notions of sex and gender were used interchangeably. They both served to categorize people in a binary system; you were either a man, or a woman. You were either masculine or feminine. Without a doubt, these models are extremely outdated. People and their interactions just aren’t that simple.

Biological sex refers to the organs, chromosomes and hormones that you possess and can measure objectively. Being a male means having an Adam’s apple, testes, a set of XY chromosomes and, if everything works correctly, the ability to impregnate females. Being female means having a vagina, ovaries, a pair of X chromosomes, and the ability to bear children. However, models which suggest that every Homo sapien falls neatly into either one of these categories exclusively is outdated and overly simplistic. These models fail to recognize the existence of millions of intersexed individuals, whose sexual or reproductive anatomy doesn’t fit binary definitions of male or female. According to the Intersex Society of North America, “Intersex is a general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male.” For more information regarding the prevalence of intersex, I suggest visiting this informative website.

For example, an intersexed individual might appear to be a female on the outside, but has mostly male anatomy. Or a person might be born with genitals that seem to be in between the usual male and female types. A boy might be born with a noticeably small penis, or a girl might be born with a noticeably large clitoris. Sometimes these differences won’t manifest in a person until they hit puberty; sometimes they won’t go noticed at all.

Dichotomous categories that lump people into one or the other are a product of our language, worldview, and the institutionalization of these ideas – which is to say, these classifications aren’t inherent or innate. We just see them reproduced every day, which normalizes our culturally acquired view of society. What makes these categories so compelling, and so seemingly natural, are the routine mechanisms embedded in society which enforce this type of thought. We experience these categories every time we use public restrooms marked ‘men’ and ‘women.’ We encounter it in print on official documents from the United States government, on the federal and state level, where we have to mark whether we are a man or a woman. People that would fall under the category of intersex get left out entirely. This is no fault of their own, but instead, a problem of the way that we think about biological sex in relation to one another and the ways in which these thoughts translate into action in the public sphere.

Like biological sex, gender identities are enforced by the categories of ‘men or women,’ ignoring the reality that there are millions of gender-queer people that don’t fall into either category. Gender-queer is a term indicating an individual doesn’t identify exclusively with the expectations and social norms associated with being a man or a woman. Some gender-queer also identify as transgender. There are two main components of gender, its ideological construction and a behavioral component. Gender is constructed ideologically when men and women believe that certain qualities characterize one gender rather than another. Gender is constructed behaviorally in the activities men and women do, the way they do them, and the way they are experienced during interpersonal interactions. This is a great resource for relating to the concepts of sex, gender and sexual orientation.

Men and women make themselves by actively constructing their gender identities within a social and historical context, defined largely by cultural norms and power relationships. Gender gets expressed by individuals through a performance of symbolic gestures learned through previous interactions, called scripts. One’s sex might be male, for example, but his gender identity is developed through a complex process of interaction with his culture, where he learns which gendered scripts are considered to be appropriate to his culture, and in his attempt to modify those expectations to make them attainable to him. Your gender identity is actively forged by the behaviors you engage in, and how you think about yourself in relation to those around you. How you perceive yourself regarding the societal roles of ‘woman,’ ‘man’ or somewhere in between the two is your gender identity.

The problematic aspects of having binary systems of categorization regarding an individual’s sex or gender comes from the fact that they implicitly create and subsequently disempower the people who fall into these categories. By presenting these fallacious dichotomies and regarding them as being legitimate and ‘natural,’ millions of Americans become regarded as ‘unnatural.’ These dehumanizing categories are still heavily stigmatized; something which can affect people’s interpersonal relationships. Like we discussed in earlier posts, people identified as being in nontraditional categories can be met with vehemence and violence. This type of foul behavior, stemming from ignorance and prejudice, cannot be tolerated on any level. People’s sexual and gender-related differences are natural, and they should be accepted with open arms and a greater understanding.

Happy World AIDS Day!

Red AIDS RibbonYes, you read that correctly. Happy World AIDS Day, much like you might wish someone “Happy Birthday,” “Happy Anniversary,” etc., I wish you a Happy World AIDS Day.

To some this may sound crazy, but please allow me to explain.

Being HIV+ for the last 25 years has led me to a certain perspective on life. I do not view the world and life in general as most 48-year-old women do. My experiences are different because of HIV – not necessarily better or worse, just different. As I watch my non-HIV+ contemporaries navigate the world, there are vast differences. I see my friend’s posts on Facebook referring to children, grandchildren and retirement and I am always curious. I wonder what that would be like but they are NOT my experiences. In my world, a lot of energy goes to medications, co-pays, education and support; my focus for years was just staying alive and mourning those unable to succeed at this. Now that I have more confidence in living to enjoy wrinkles and gray hair (yikes), I focus a great deal of energy on HIV/AIDS education, helping folks LIVE with a positive diagnosis and doing everything in my power to erase the stigma attached to this disease.

Believe it or not, this focus has provided a full and rich life. Educating, speaking and mentoring others with HIV/AIDS is so rewarding that I can’t imagine my life any other way. I often wonder what it would be like to post about children and grandchildren but I truly can’t even imagine it. Instead, I reflect on what I DO have in my life and all of the joy, all of the wonderful folks and of course the experiences brought to my life because of HIV/AIDS and I have to scream from the rooftops: Happy World AIDS Day! I am grateful for this virus and the opportunity it gives me to help others. On World AIDS Day, I take time to regroup and recommit to prevention and helping others live with this virus.  I recommit to fighting the stigma and reminding the public that no one is untouched by HIV/AIDS.

My favorite holiday is not Christmas, my birthday or even Valentine’s Day. My favorite holiday is World AIDS Day, which I celebrate as a reminder that I have made it another year, a remembrance of those who have passed, and in hope that we are one step closer to a cure. Happy World AIDS Day to you!

Valerie Wojciechowicz is a certified fitness instructor and an expert speaker about living with HIV, particularly the importance of exercise in managing the disease. She has contributed to POZ Magazine and featured in HIV Positive! Magazine. A 2009 winner of the Junior League’s Women in Strength Award, she can be found at 4HIVhelp.com.

To recognize World AIDS Day, Planned Parenthood of Southwest & Central Florida is offering reduced-cost rapid HIV tests – $20 with results in 20 minutes – at its health centers today and tomorrow (days and hours vary). For more information, or to find the health center nearest you, go to MyPlannedParenthood.org or call 1-800-230-PLAN.