Category Archives: Personal Posts

I work with abortion. I will not apologize.

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Firdaus

Last week I attended an incredible workshop with my colleagues, where we talked about the emotional side of abortion work. About ten of us, all working in different roles within our affiliate, shared with each other how we cope with the stigmatized nature of our work, and how we deal with protesters both in our communities and in our personal lives (friends, family, etc.). I learned so much about the strength, courage, and absolute commitment to helping women that my colleagues and I share. It was really emotional and absolutely inspiring to recognize the commitment we have to this work. I am so proud to be a part of in the struggle of women; in the herstory of women.

Having said that, it was ironic that a few days later I became involved in a confrontation about my work with a distant relative through, of all places, Facebook. While I honor and love this family member, and have incredibly fond memories of our time together in my childhood, we just don’t agree politically or socially now that I’m an adult. Specifically, when it comes to social issues and the issue of a woman’s right to decide. So, I posted something about an interview with anti-choice protesters, and was issued a moral citation via comment box.

A few days later he sent me an email about the better choice being adoption. I now felt like I needed to explain myself without apologizing or igniting personal defenses. I do not want to fight with family about the work I do. And I will not apologize. Having spent time discussing such awkward and uncomfortable interactions with family a few days before at the workshop, I felt like I was prepared to respond. Awkward? Yes. Impossible? No. In summary:

…I’ve been working one-on-one with women who choose abortion for the past 5 years. I’ve met with hundreds and hundreds, perhaps thousands of women in my office, and my beliefs about choice stem from listening to them and learning their stories. For many, adoption is an excellent choice, and I whole-heartedly support women who choose that route. I am most excited when I meet with a woman who has planned her pregnancy, and is ecstatic when the pregnancy test comes back positive. There is so much joy to share in life.

Though the organization I work for only sees about 10% of clients for abortion services, I travel to our different locations and work predominantly with those clients. I do family planning education and give emotional support to women who are choosing abortion. I feel I am an angel for so many of the women I see, who are ashamed, afraid, stigmatized, guilt-ridden and desperate. I accept them, I accept their choice, and I honor them as human beings trying to do the best they can for themselves, their families, and their futures.

Having said that, I speak with each and every single woman who is considering abortion about adoption. That is a requirement; we talk with women about adoption and how to continue their pregnancies for parenthood, along with abortion education. Over and over and over again, when I talk with women about adoption, many give the same response: there is no way they could spend 9 months becoming emotionally attached to their pregnancy and give it away. The guilt and resentment they would feel knowing they had a child in the world that they had “abandoned” is a worse choice for them than to prevent the pregnancy from continuing. These are their words, not mine. For others, adoption is an opportunity to give their child to a family who is ready and able to provide a quality life for their child. Every woman’s view is valid.

In many cases over the years, I have helped women choose to continue their pregnancies. I support their choice, regardless of the outcome. It is their body, their life, not mine…. Having said that, our perspectives on this issue are different, but I respect your opinion, as your beliefs are just as valid as mine.

This line of work is both incredibly challenging and incredibly rewarding. Our greatest hope and mission is for all children to be wanted children, and for the need for abortion to no longer exist. However, we do not currently live in a world where this is possible, and abortion is a safe option that 1/3 of U.S. women make in their lifetime. I emphasize education and prevention. I will not apologize.

Having Sex with an Amputee

Posted on January 9, 2013 by Mary

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I googled “having sex with an amputee” and “amputee sex” and just got pages and pages of porn. I am personally and professionally disappointed by the lack of resources (unless you really dig deep) for amputees and their partners.

You see, my dad is an amputee. When he was 21 he was hit by a drunk driver while fishing on a bridge in Florida. He lost 1/4 of one of his legs and his fishing buddy lost both legs up to his hips. So you can imagine that I am sensitive to the issues that face amputees and their families. Amputations (and congenital anomalies) happen for a wide variety of reasons including injury, warfare, infections, and disease. According to the Amputee Coalition of America (ACA), “Each year, approximately 185,000 Americans undergo amputation of a limb and about 1,000 children are born with a limb difference. In fact, it was estimated in 2005 that nearly 1.9 million people in this country are living with the loss of a limb.”

Growing up with an amputee in my house, I know that there are a whole host of physical, financial, social, medical, and emotional factors that amputees (and their families) have to deal with. There’s the cost of artificial limbs ($uper expen$ive), phantom pains, repeated surgeries, stigma, loss of certain types of jobs and hobbies, and the list goes on. As a sex educator, I am keenly aware of another aspect of an amputee’s life that may be impacted – sex.

An amputee may need time to heal the emotional and physical wounds relating to the amputation before they are ready to have sex. Once they are ready, the amputee and their partner are going to have to communicate really well in order to figure out what is going to work and what won’t. Amputees sometimes carry a deep sense of loss so figuring out how to have sex again might be emotional and frustrating. They may also be struggling with their new body image. Patience and understanding on the part of the partner is an absolute must. Certain positions may need to be altered or taken out of the repertoire completely. Creativity is a must. Physical therapy will help strengthen the other limbs and/or core muscles. Call a Pelvic Floor Therapist if the amputee has been bedridden for a long time and has experienced atrophy in the pelvic floor.

I’m not a sex therapist or a amputee specialist, my role here is just to educate. With 1.9 million people living with the loss of a limb in this country, I wanted to shed light on a topic that many people don’t think about, and fewer talk about.

Here are a few resources that you might want to check out:

A mom’s candid blog entry about having sex post-amputation.

One woman’s do’s and don’ts for reestablishing intimacy with an amputee.

Body image, relationships, and sexuality after amputation from ACA.

Hanger, Inc. (one of the major makers of prosthetics) offers peer support and counseling with patient advocates.

The Guide to Getting It On offers book and website suggestions for amputees.

An inspiring story about love and amputation.

Do you know of other resources that might be helpful? If so, please share them in the comments section.

Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman

Posted on December 27, 2012 by Genevieve

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I am now 38 weeks pregnant.

I am obviously very pregnant to friends, family and strangers. It can be really fun and exciting for people to notice and ask you how far along you are, but it can also be a little intrusive or annoying. Here are a few of the comments that my friends and I have received.

- A friend and I were at the gym and an older woman came up to my friend and asked her when her due date was and if she wanted her hand-me-down baby clothes. She was not pregnant! It also made her feel even more self-conscious about her weight, which is why she was at the gym!

- I have had 8-10 different people ask me if I planned the pregnancy. These individuals obviously don’t know me because if they did they would know that it was a very planned pregnancy. This is not a question you should ask unless you know the person very well.

- I have had a slew of comments from elderly men. I was in the checkout line and the man behind me pointed at my belly and very loudly asked the cashier if she was going to charge me for the watermelon. I had another man stop me as I was leaving a restaurant and tell me that the song, “Any Day Now” came to mind for him as he starred at my belly. The others have just made comments about how I must be giving birth soon because, “I look like I’m going to pop any second.”

- I have had several friends who were asked when they were expecting and they had already had their babies several months ago. They were not happy campers!

I am posting this blog because it is funny, but also to caution anyone who might be well-intentioned but could end up sticking their foot in their mouth. I also caution people to ask if someone is pregnant unless they are really sure, because I have had several friends who were thin and visibly showing, but miscarried around 4-5 months. For more comments on what people shouldn’t say, but have to pregnant women, visit Baby Center.

When the Least Powerful Become the Most Powerful: An Afternoon with Gloria Steinem

Posted on October 24, 2012 by Firdaus

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Over the weekend I had the opportunity of a lifetime: to stand arm in arm with Gloria Steinem, one of the founding Feminist Warriors of our time, and founder of Ms. Magazine.

Gloria was speaking at a “get out the vote” engagement in my city, and she revved up the small crowd of about 150 supporters. She reminded us that Election Day is the one day when the least powerful become the most powerful. She reminded us that the United States plays a large and important role in the lives of people all over the world, and that this election will affect not only the citizens within our borders, but also the lives of humans internationally. When we step into the voter booth we are making a choice that ripples far across the globe.

I had not thought about my ballot in such impactful terms, but when I think about the international support we offer in the form of reproductive health monies and HIV/AIDS awareness campaigns worldwide, I realize the personal is the political, and what one does effects others.

No matter who you vote for this election season, I encourage you to utilize your constitutional right to have your voice heard. Your vote does matter, and the only way we can continue in a direction of democracy is to actively participate in it. Early voting has started in some states, and begins 10 days before Election Day in Florida. Whether you get there early, send off an absentee, or stand in line on Tuesday, November 6th, please remember that if you don’t speak for yourself, someone else will speak for you.

How to Buy a Daughter

Posted on October 17, 2012 by Fosgood

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I recently found my leisurely breakfast disrupted by an article in the Sarasota Herald-Tribune titled “How to Buy a Daughter.” There are so many things about this I found disturbing. Growing up in a time when the cultural norm presumed couples wanted a son to carry on the family name, be able to take care of the financial needs of the family or to join dad in sports, I was surprised by what the research found. Apparently, 80% of sex-selection parents in the U.S. are opting for a daughter.

Growing up in a family of three girls, I often remember my mother sighing and saying about my father’s remoteness, “I wonder if he would have been different if he’d had a son.” When I think of gender selection, I think of the Chinese one child rule that caused many couples to abort female embryos or kill baby daughters, or males blaming their wives for not producing sons despite his sperm being the determining genetic factor.

Certainly times have changed, at least in this country, and there is much more gender blending in child raising where many females are involved with sports, compete financially with males, and do jobs once reserved for males. Conversely, males have more freedom to break gender stereotypes by becoming nurses, primary teachers, executive assistants, primary caregivers to their children or elders, and their masculinity isn’t questioned if they are not enamored with sports.

The typical couple opting for a girl is middle to upper class, married, around 30 and already has a couple of other children. The lengthy repeat procedures and expense was staggering to me. One woman spent $40,000, worked 6 days a week up until delivery and for months afterwards to pay for her daughter. She felt it was worth every penny.

So what is the expectation from having a daughter as opposed to a son? It appears to be based on every gender stereotype throughout history: boys are more violent, like sports and video games. Girls are easier to bond with and share common interests of shopping, applying beauty products, etc. with their mothers.

It seems so unfair to both parent and child to assume because of a child’s reproductive organs they will be the child of your dreams or your worst nightmare. What about celebrating the humanness of your child and helping them become the best person they can be? You are just setting yourself and your child up for disappointment. What if your child is gay, intersexed, doesn’t want to play sports, or be the dancer you never were?

As the mother of two daughters and two step-sons, I’m so proud to say our children have broken many of these gender-defining limits society places on us if we let them. I have an adult daughter who plays soccer and is the liaison between a drug rehab facility and drug court, one who travels alone throughout South and Central America, two sons who keep their cars and living spaces way cleaner than their sisters, one of whom spends more time and money on personal hygiene and smells the most fru fru of us all!

The Frightful Search for a Halloween Costume

Posted on October 4, 2012 by Guest Post

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: Naughty Nemo

As our Planned Parenthood is throwing the biggest and most awesome Halloween party in the region on October 27, a lot of people are probably starting to think about their costumes. Who’s in the news right now? What are some classic options? And what can I wear that doesn’t expose my entire nether region?

First let me emphasize: this will not be an post written for the purpose of “slutty clothes shaming.” This is NOT directed at the adults who embrace racy at Halloween time. My rant is against the companies – and that means the vast majority of the Halloween costume companies – who produce costumes that I simply won’t, can’t, never ever would I wear. And how on earth did we get to a place where all costume makers assume that every single woman on the planet is thrilled to be nearly-naked on Hallows Eve?

Truly, I love Halloween. From the ages of 6-18, I lived in a place so remote that the closest house was nearly half a mile away. Thus, the only way I could participate in trick-or-treating was if downtown merchants held a small event for the rural kiddies such as myself. So as an adult I’ve grown to expect miracles out of Halloween. But my Achilles heel has always been deciding what to wear – more so as I’ve aged and the costumes have gotten decidedly smaller.

Seriously, who thought of Naughty Nemo? Sexy Ninja Turtle? Sexy Potato Head? Or Sexy Plumber? Really??? (I could go on and on about “The Shocker” but we don’t have enough time for that.)

So if you put the word “Sexy” in front of anything, you’ve got a viable women’s costume. Again, when it comes to adults, I don’t see anything wrong with going all out – whether your preference is to frighten, to gross out, or to get as hot as the law may allow. But when did Halloween become “more strip club than storybook”?

This article from Slate suggests that the roots of sex & Halloween were planted during Halloween parades in New York City’s (predominantly gay) Greenwich Village in the early ‘70s. The gay community embraced the event and the parade soon became famous across the country.

Whether you see it as Halloween or All Epidermis Eve, the most critical decision you’ll make (beyond choosing a reliable designated driver) is your costume. If you’re like me, looking for a little more modesty this Halloween, here’s a list of classic costume ideas that you can adapt to any comfort level. And here’s a site where most of the hemlines seem to approach or even exceed the knee.

So Feronians, how do you feel about today’s Halloween costume options? Let us know!

HIV in Zimbabwe: A Surprise Lesson

Posted on September 12, 2012 by Fosgood

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During my recent trip to Zimbabwe, our tour leader surprised us near the end of our trip by announcing that he was an HIV peer educator and that he was going to give a talk on HIV in his country. I had mentioned early on in the tour that I worked as an educator for Planned Parenthood and that part of my job was to teach about HIV. Like everyone else, I asked questions about birth control, condoms, STIs, and abortion, and talking about sexual matters appeared to be a very natural subject for him.

Zimbabwe has been at the epicenter of the HIV epidemic since the beginning. Nearly everybody in the country has been either “infected or affected,” a phrase often used here, as well. Soon after the first positive case appeared in 1985, the government went into panic mode. The virus was quickly spreading particularly in commercial sex workers, truck drivers and gold miners. Because so many people in Africa work far from home, having a second partner or frequenting sex workers is very common. This was, and still is, the primary way married women become infected and, in turn, spread it to their children during pregnancy and delivery. Millions of people in Zimbabwe have died from HIV infection.

Sam spoke of several factors contributing to the steady rate of infection, despite massive efforts to educate, distribute condoms and test, especially pregnant women:

Even though sex outside of marriage is common, traditionally, husband and wives do not use condoms. The Catholic Church teaches abstinence-only and discourages the use of condoms. And rumors that condoms come infected with HIV persist.
The age of first sexual experimentation is young, often between 10 and 12 years old. Yet the taboo of frank discussion about sexuality is strongly entrenched in much of the culture. When Sam was educating his six female cousins about using condoms, his uncle came home and accused him of trying to turn them into prostitutes.
Only 10% of the population has been tested.

Imagine my surprise when Sam not only spoke about HIV, but also gave a condom demonstration using almost the exact same language that I use. His statistics on condom efficacy were similar (about 92% when used consistently and correctly). Carry your own condom. Protect them from the sun by keeping them in a front pocket. Don’t open with your teeth. Never flush. The only difference in information in my presentation and his was discussion of using a water-based lubricant – he said they don’t have them there.

Just like parents the world over, even those of us who are comfortable talking to strangers about all things sexual, when Sam’s six-year-old found a condom on the ground, Sam was a bit flustered and unprepared to explain the finer points of condom use … but he seized the teachable moment and explained the basics.

What the Headman Asked: Viagra, Prostitution and Homosexuality

Posted on September 4, 2012 by Fosgood

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As part of my trip to Zimbabwe, I visited a remote village and met with the Headman, Mr. Johnson. After chatting with him and several of his adult children, the women in my travel group were escorted by his daughter and daughter-in-law to view the communal kitchen and one of their homes. The men stayed to chat privately in the large circular hut where meetings were held.

Since I had a “spy” in the group, I had him report back on what happened while I was involved in observing “woman’s work.” Right off the bat, Mr. Johnson asked about Viagra. He said there were herbal remedies available, but he’d heard about it and even knew that it had originally been a cardiac medicine. (I didn’t know that!) Had anyone tried it? What did it cost? How long did it last? The senior member of the group, an 81-year-old, gave a glowing report. Loved the stuff. None of the other male members of the group had any experience with the drug, or were not admitting that they had.

He then asked about prostitution in America. How common was it? Was it legal? One of the members spoke of it being legal in Nevada and all agreed that it was widespread. Mr. Johnson then talked about how common prostitution was in his country and how it has contributed to the spread of HIV.

His third topic was homosexuality. Was it legal in the US? It’s not in Zimbabwe, punishable by 60 years in prison, according to Mr. Johnson. According to him, it doesn’t really exist or at least no one talks about it. My partner, well educated on all things dealing with sexuality, has heard me speak many times on this very topic and took this one. He explained sexual attraction, hormonal levels during gestation and how frequently same sex behavior occurs in animals. While Mr. Johnson listened respectfully, one of his sons was very interested in what was being said and appeared to be very accepting and nonjudgmental. Hopefully, they both gained some new insights they can share with others.

To me, the choice of topics was fascinating. While in some ways our country is behind Zimbabwe, where they have free family planning and condoms are openly available and promoted, clearly we are ahead in others.

Stages of Labor

Posted on September 3, 2012 by Mary

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It’s Labor Day and I couldn’t resist the temptation to write about the other kind of labor. Besides, the other kind of labor is fresh in my mind since I experienced it just four short weeks ago.

There are three stages of labor:

1st Stage

Early – early labor can be characterized by bloody show (a blood-tinged vaginal discharge), cervical dilation (up to 3cm), mild back pain, and/or mild contractions. Early labor can last for hours and sometimes goes unnoticed.
Active – much more noticeable and uncomfortable contractions which help get the cervix dilated to 10cm. Some consider the last 3cm of dilation to be “transition,” which is characterized by very intense, back-to-back contractions. Some women experience nausea and may vomit during transition.

2nd Stage

Delivery of the baby - you might think that delivery of the baby would be the last stage of labor but, alas, labor isn’t over just because the precious bundle made its screeching arrival into the world.

3rd Stage

Delivery of the placenta – about 5 to 30 minutes after the baby is delivered, it’s the placenta’s turn. As the uterus continues to contract and shrink back down, the placenta slowly peels away from the lining of the uterus. Many women don’t even notice when this happens, especially with that long awaited bundle on their chests, but in my opinion, it’s a not-to-miss event. The placenta is a VERY cool organ. Ask the doctor to show you both sides of the placenta (they look different), the umbilical cord, and what’s left of the sac. The doctor will take a few minutes to inspect the placenta to be sure it came out intact. If it doesn’t, it can cause hemorrhaging and/or infection.

There are many resources out there that you can use to educate yourself about the stages of labor and what you can do to promote comfort during those stages. No two pregnancies or labors or childbirths are exactly the same, so when your friends are telling you horror stories about their labors, take it with a grain of salt. Also, ask lots of questions of your OB or midwife. Make sure your support person knows what to expect. And if you have a birth plan, make sure everyone involved in your labor and delivery knows about it and supports it (unless medically indicated otherwise). And lastly, it’s called labor for a reason … expect to come out of it looking like a Mack truck just ran over you.

Ode to Joy Nash’s ‘Fat Rant’

Posted on August 21, 2012 by Firdaus

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As I’ve mentioned previously on the Feronia Project, I used to be very overweight, or as actress and body rights activist Joy Nash calls it, “moderately obese.” This began from infancy, and the pounds continued to mount until I found myself at the age of 24 standing 5’4″ and weighing 218lbs. I felt ashamed, humiliated, and invisible to my culture and those around me. I grew up consuming teen magazines and watching MTV just like my peers did, and always felt sick and sad that overweight women were not portrayed in the media in any sort of positive light. We were only the ass of jokes or the example of what not to “let yourself become.”

In a time of loneliness, isolation and depression related to the scrutiny of my body issues, I came across a video on Myspace (remember when that was THE PLACE on the web?) that absolutely empowered me and lit me up inside. It was called “Fat Rant,” a short declaration of independence for fat women like me to stop self-hating and seize life!

I eventually did lose 70lbs through maintaining an online food diary and exercising, and have managed to keep it off for a year and a half. As Joy points out in her video, 95-98% of people who lose 75lbs or more gain it all back within the first three years, two-thirds of those within the first year. So I realize my work is still ahead of me as I maintain a different and more active lifestyle than before, and take my health one day at a time.

But to you, Feronia readers, you likely have had body issues at one time or another – it’s hard to escape the forcefed images of the Photoshopped thin ideal (harassing you in the check-out line magazine racks, internet advertisements, and ANY television show). I encourage you to check out Joy’s “Fat Rant” – I hope it will make you feel a little more entitled to relaxing in your own skin, no matter what size your clothes are.