Category Archives: Relationships

Feminism and…Finance? How Women Can Take Charge of Their Financial Futures

Posted on May 22, 2013 by Eleanor

Today, we’re re-running an oldie but a goodie: women and finance. Find out how you can break the trend below.

I’m going to fess up: one of my feminist passions is about women and finance.

Sounds boring, right? Well, it might not be when I put it to you this way: more than half of older women are so poor that they have to decide between food and medication - they cannot have both.

Why is this? Women often do not save for retirement; many women can be financially destroyed after divorce; and like it or not, more women leave the workforce to take care of their children and/or parents than men do. Add to that the still-present wage gap between men and women and it adds up to record numbers of women living in poverty.

(Seriously, read some of those links: the statistics are horrifying.)

What can you do to make sure this doesn’t happen to you? What can you do to make sure this doesn’t happen to your mother? What can you do to make sure that this doesn’t happen to your daughter? Well, here’s a few tips that I’ve learned in my research on this topic (please note: I am not a financial advisor, but I am passionate about the topic; some financial jargon ahead, so if you don’t know a word, look it up here):

Please, please, please – save for retirement.

We’re in no way wading into the politics of this topic, but by and large, pensions are gone: if you or your parents are lucky enough to have one, please realize how lucky you are! Most of us have 401(k)s or 403(b)s with our jobs; use them! Contribute as much as you can to your retirement plan, but if your company matches your contribution with some money of their own, take advantage of it. (For example: if they “match 3%,” you need to contribute at least 3% to receive it. Magically, your 3% contribution becomes 6%. It is nearly-free money.)

Some advisors recommend contributing 15% of your income to your retirement – I would say just contribute as much as you can, even if it’s 3%. Why? It’s the magic of compound growth – you (hopefully) gain 8% or so on your investments over the year. It doesn’t matter much in the early years, but boy, does it matter in the later ones. 8% growth on $5,000? Your account gains $400 just for existing. However, 8% growth on $225,000? Your account gains $18,000 – just for existing.

Do it. Do it today.

Married? Awesome. Hope for the best; plan for the worst.

We all hope that we will get married and stay with our spouse forever, am I correct? I hope that too for everyone, but unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. (By the way? It’s single women who are most at risk for falling into poverty.)

So, consider maintaining your own separate savings account during your marriage, if you’re comfortable with it. It’s also a good idea to always maintain a credit card in your own name only, as it can sometimes be difficult to obtain one during or even after a divorce. (Stay at home parents? This goes tenfold for you.) Also, it’s always a good idea to know what you and your spouse own jointly and what your spouse owns on their own.

However, if you’re actively considering divorce? Set up your own savings account now. There are a lot of expenses associated with divorce, least of which would be hiring a lawyer. (This article is a great resource to look at – just in case.)

A quick note: same-sex marriage and divorces are an area of law that is just now being created, so it’s very, very important that you consult a lawyer if you would be going through this.

If you’re able, make sure you’re adequately insured.

Insurance is expensive – believe me, I know. What’s “adequately insured?” Well, it depends on what you can afford.

The ones you have to have? Health insurance. (We’ll be talking about this in depth all year on the Feronia Project – look out for the posts!) Disability insurance. (Have enough income to live on if you could never work again? No? Get disability insurance.) Renter’s/homeowner’s insurance. (Could you afford to buy everything in your house again if it burned down? No? Get insurance.)

Three other ones to consider, if you’re in the situation:

Life insurance – term life insurance is usually your best bet. Do you have kids? A spouse that depends on your income? Time to buy life insurance. No, it’s not fun to think about your own death, but it can help to know that the ones you care about will be OK.
Long-term care insurance. Can you afford to put your parents in a nursing home for the rest of their lives and still be able to do everything you want? No? Think about buying this - with an inflation rider, as this type of care will only become more expensive. (If your parents are under 70, ask them if they’ll consider purchasing the policy. If the monthly payment is too high for them, consider paying for half of it.)
Auto insurance. If you drive, get this one. I’ll share a personal story: last January, I got into what I thought was a small fender bender (not my fault, thankfully). Unfortunately, this small fender bender destroyed my suspension and was more expensive to fix than the value of the car. It was a total write-off; I was shocked. However, with the payment from the insurance company and a payment from my emergency fund, I was able to upgrade to a much newer and more affordable car. Happy, happy day.

A controversial one: your savings come first; your child’s come second.

I know, this is a tough one, but it’s a better idea to save for your retirement than for your child’s college education. Think about it this way: your child can get scholarships. There are no scholarships for retirement.

Lastly, educate yourself.*

There’s this horrible stereotype that women don’t know anything about finances. Well, I think it’s time to change that. I’ve done my fair share of reading on the topic; here’s the ones I liked the most:

What do you think? Is it time women took control of their finances – and their futures?

(Some of the above content includes affiliate links.)

Informing Your Partner of Your Positive STI Result

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Fosgood

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Life can present you with many challenging situations. One of the most difficult scenarios is what to say to a current or past partner when you’ve received a positive STI test result. You want to do the right thing, but what to say, when to say it, and how to say it can seem overwhelming. The website So They Can Know offers a variety of options to help facilitate the process, although nothing can really remove all the embarrassment and stigma that one might feel.

If you can’t manage a face-to-face conversation, one option is to call them. For some, this is the easiest, most direct approach so they can gauge how the person reacts and then react accordingly. This is one of the least impersonal and most courageous route to take, but certainly not for the faint of heart.

Others cannot even imagine having to speak to a former or current partner in person or by phone so tips on e-mailing or texting are also offered by the folks at So They Can Know.

Another option is to send an anonymous e-card from a company called inSPOT. You can find a variety of cards on their website.

Whatever option you pick, be assured that you are doing the adult, responsible thing, difficult as it may be. Wouldn’t you want to know?

SOURCE WEEK: Freefall

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Mary

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All week long, we’ve been talking about The SOURCE. One of the most edgy, relevant, and personal things to come out of SOURCE Productions is Freefall. All of the episodes are based on true stories. The first “semester” of Freefall launched in 2012 and the second “semester” will be released soon. In fact, you can subscribe here and be the first to know when the new episodes are released. If you have a loved one heading off to college soon, this is a MUST-SEE!

Episode One: It’s the first day of college and five freshman move into the dorm.

Episode Two: As the girls in the freshman dorm settle into college, they decide to take a break with some sunbathing on the roof.

Episode Three: It’s Halloween, and who knows what can happen when naughty nurses get drunk and vampires are on the prowl.

Episode Four: Just as all the friends start to settle into the routine of college, the past comes back to shake everyone up.

Episode Five: It’s the last night of the semester and everyone in the dorm is going to a party on the roof.

Have you ever experienced anything like what these characters have experienced? What would you like young people to know about the topics depicted in these episodes?

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Posted on April 10, 2013 by Allegra

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Photo via The Dawn Center.

Feronians, it’s April once again, which means it’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month. A big part of why SAAM exists is because we don’t often talk about sexual assault – for every Steubenville or Delhi case that involves a prosecution and spurs widespread discussion, there are thousands of assaults that pass by without comment, and without legal consequence.

On the one hand, this year seems like it’s had a lot of good conversations about this topic – and thinking back to 2001, when the national campaign officially began, I think that there’s a ton of progress that we can see. Watching commentators like Melissa Harris-Perry proclaim their support for rape survivors on air and hearing Australia’s Prime Minister Julia Gillard tell survivors ‘we hear you, you’re valued and you’re believed’ as Australia begins an inquiry into child sexual abuse is amazing, and isn’t something that I think we would have seen 12 years ago.

We’ve also seen new approaches in assault prevention that are moving away from the old framing – how potential victims of assault can protect themselves – to how to prevent assaults more broadly. These range from videos about how you should treat people who’ve passed out (don’t assault them, do get them a blanket) to broader campaigns on what bystanders can do. (Trigger warning – that video focuses on an evening leading up to an assault, and various ways that bystanders could have made a difference).

But I also know that these still aren’t the norm when it comes to talking about assault. When multiple CNN commentators spoke to how difficult life will be for two young men convicted of rape, without expressing any similar concern for their victim, many people got upset, but CNN never responded. Judges, educators and journalists still focus on how to change what women wear as a way to control men.

So, in honor of the strides we’ve made, and with an eye towards the work that still needs to be done, here’s some more information on activism opportunities this month, locally and nationally:

Activism / SAAM Events

Local
New College of Florida events (Sarasota)
Tampa events, and events throughout Florida

National
One Student – based out of the Tampa area, this group focuses on campus strategies for preventing sexual violence
Project Unbreakable (trigger warning – this project involves survivors reclaiming words that were used against them through art. It can be very powerful, but is a very emotionally charged space.)

Resources for survivors

National
RAINN
Survivor Project

Local
CARE (Charlotte)
Peace River Center (Hardee, Highlands & Polk)
The Dawn Center (Hernando)
Crisis Center of Tampa Bay (Hillsborough)
ACT (Lee)
Sunrise of Pasco County, Inc. (Pasco)
Suncoast Center (Pinellas)
Manatee Glens (Manatee)
SPARCC (Sarasota & DeSoto)

Links We Love in Sex & Health: Thursday Edition

Posted on February 7, 2013 by Eleanor

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Brendon Ayanbadejo, Feronia’s new hero. Photo copyright Keith Allison.

Happy Thursday, Feronians! We’re sharing some of the best links in love and sex that we’ve found around the web:

NPR had a story recently about the societal furor over the fact that Rihanna is back with Chris Brown, who was convicted of abusing her a few years ago. It shows how complicated domestic abuse can be.
Super awesome and amazing: there’s now a lingerie line made by and made for transgender women.
Playtex is advertising a new line of “freshen-up” (read: after sex) wipes for women – by talking about how dirty your vagina is. Awesome way to perpetuate a horrible stereotype, Playtex. (Reminder: your vagina is a self-cleaning organism and it is not “dirty” in any way.)
The Family Medical Leave Act celebrated its 20th anniversary in the United States the other day. It’s a good start, but it’s got a long way to go to work for everyone, according to Time Magazine.
Thanks to the trend of Brazilian waxes, crabs (pubic lice) are becoming an endangered species. (However you feel about Brazilian waxes – to me, they sound terrifying – it’s good news.)
And in awesome people news, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo wrote a great editorial for USA Today yesterday about how it’s time to end homophobia in sports. What an awesome guy.

What have you seen lately that’s interesting in love and sex? We’d love to hear about it! And do you love Brendon Ayanbadejo or what?

Online Dating Sites: How Do They Work?

Posted on January 30, 2013 by Mary

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To put it simply, online dating sites match people by using mathematical algorithms. The information you post on online dating sites is essentially broken down into key words and compared against other user’s key words – the greater the similarities in key words, the stronger the “match.” (This is an oversimplification, but you get the gist, right?)

(Sheldon Cooper thinks it’s hokum. The video below is the copyright of Chuck Lorre Productions & Warner Brothers TV.)

I put “match” in quotes, because the effectiveness of these matching algorithms is highly debatable. Any worthy scientist would scoff at the validity of the “science” used by the creators of these algorithms. What a scientist would confirm, however, is the brain’s ability to size up a person in a face-to-face encounter within seconds. The brain is highly evolved, it processes sensory cues and puts the information into messages we can respond to. Ever been in a situation with a stranger and within seconds felt fear or attraction? The impulse to flee or introduce yourself? For this reason, speed-dating can be more effective than online dating. Plus, meeting face-to-face eliminates the possibility of meeting a catfish.

What online dating can do for you is expose you to far more people than you might normally meet. The truth is that more relationships begin online (20%) than they did 20 years ago. Many people like online dating because it is one way to “weed out” potential mates before ever having to meet, which saves everyone embarassment, time, and potentially, heartbreak. Just remember, sometimes people look good on paper but in person they lack that *spark* that is essential for romantic relationships. I’ll let you be the judge if online dating sites work, but be wary of people who abuse the system.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you of the dangers of online dating. Here are a few tips to keep you safer:

Never use any personal identifying information in your profile (like address, phone number, social security number, etc.).
ALWAYS meet in a public place.
ALWAYS tell a friend or family member where and with whom you intend to meet.
If you think you might be being “catfished,” ask the person to write your name on a piece of paper, take a picture of them holding it, and send it to you. You probably have another picture of them from a social networking site to compare it against. One reason to suspect “catfishing” is if the other person always makes excuses for not meeting you in person.
NEVER send money to someone you don’t know personally – as in, actually met in person.
Tell the truth. You aren’t doing anybody any favors by claiming to be 18, when you’re actually 30. Or worse, 15.

And lastly, check out this infographic . . . (I’m alarmed by #8)

Feronians, have you had luck with online dating? Have any cautionary tales to share? Safety tips? Share them in our comments section!

Feminism and…Finance? How Women Can Take Charge of Their Financial Futures

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Eleanor

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I’m going to fess up: one of my feminist passions is about women and finance.

Sounds boring, right? Well, it might not be when I put it to you this way: more than half of older women are so poor that they have to decide between food and medication - they cannot have both.

(Seriously, read some of those links: the statistics are horrifying.)

Please, please, please – save for retirement.

Do it. Do it today.

Married? Awesome. Hope for the best; plan for the worst.

A quick note: same-sex marriage and divorces are an area of law that is just now being created, so it’s very, very important that you consult a lawyer if you would be going through this.

If you’re able, make sure you’re adequately insured.

Insurance is expensive – believe me, I know. What’s “adequately insured?” Well, it depends on what you can afford.

Three other ones to consider, if you’re in the situation:

Life insurance – term life insurance is usually your best bet. Do you have kids? A spouse that depends on your income? Time to buy life insurance. No, it’s not fun to think about your own death, but it can help to know that the ones you care about will be OK.
Long-term care insurance. Can you afford to put your parents in a nursing home for the rest of their lives and still be able to do everything you want? No? Think about buying this - with an inflation rider, as this type of care will only become more expensive. (If your parents are under 70, ask them if they’ll consider purchasing the policy. If the monthly payment is too high for them, consider paying for half of it.)
Auto insurance. If you drive, get this one. I’ll share a personal story: last January, I got into what I thought was a small fender bender (not my fault, thankfully). Unfortunately, this small fender bender destroyed my suspension and was more expensive to fix than the value of the car. It was a total write-off; I was shocked. However, with the payment from the insurance company and a payment from my emergency fund, I was able to upgrade to a much newer and more affordable car. Happy, happy day.

A controversial one: your savings come first; your child’s come second.

Lastly, educate yourself.*

What do you think? Is it time women took control of their finances – and their futures?

(Some of the above content includes affiliate links.)

Cheating, and What Comes After

Posted on January 24, 2013 by Allegra

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There are a number of unpleasant realities about relationships, and one of them is that sometimes people end up cheating. As painful, heart-wrenching and explosive as it is when this comes to light, that’s only part of the story. Once the emotional dust settles, there are some tough emotional decisions to make, and they’re not always as straightforward as just DTMFA.

First and foremost, you’ll want to get tested for STIs to see what your status is, and take care of your health.
If you’re trying to figure out how to move forward in your relationship, make sure that you’re taking care of yourself and working with your partner to set up realistic expectations and boundaries, so that there’s room to rebuild trust. It’s a difficult, slow process, but it is possible if you’re both motivated.
If you decide that the best decision is to end things with your partner, you can work to minimize any additional pain by surrounding yourself with supportive people – friends, family, a good therapist, or all of the above – and asking for help with the practical side of splitting up, since it can be emotionally hard to advocate for yourself when you’ve just been through the wringer.

And finally, whether you’ve been cheated on, or you were the one who cheated, know that you’re not alone in working to get through this. There are a lot of couples who’ve successfully stayed together after infidelity. However, since it’s not the kind of topic that comes up in casual conversation, it can seem like everyone breaks up after someone’s been unfaithful. You and your partner need to find out what’s right for you.

Redefining SEX

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Fosgood

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So you switched birth control methods, forgot a condom, met a stranger you just could’t resist, were under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or any of the other excuses people use when they don’t have protection, but still want to have sex. I suggest you redefine your definition of sex.

Many people have a very narrow definition of sex. They think if there is no penis in a vagina, it’s not the real thing. People in same gender relationships learn early on that sex involves much more than just those body parts.

Let’s do a basic review of what we don’t want in our body from someone else’s body so we can reduce the chances of pregnancy or STIs. A male’s seminal fluid contains millions of sperm who have one objective: find the egg. They are mobile and motivated! As soon as a male becomes aroused, the Cowper’s gland at the base of the penis releases a drop of fluid commonly known as pre-cum, pre-nut or pre-ejaculatory fluid. This tiny drop may contain sperm, depending on when the male last ejaculated, but it will definitely contain any STI he happens to have. So the thing to remember is that while you can’t become pregnant unless this fluid gets into or near the vagina (remember they can SWIM, so fooling around just a little is no guarantee a pregnancy can’t happen) this fluid can spread a STI through oral or anal sex.

On the female side of things, for her to become pregnant she must have released an egg. Although this generally happens once a month around the mid-point between periods, females have gotten pregnant anytime during the month that an egg has been released. Most females don’t know when this is about to happen and the sperm can live in her body for about 5 days just waiting for an egg to be released. STIs live in and near her vagina, so oral sex on a female won’t cause a pregnancy, but it may pass a STI to the mouth.

For most people, a major component of sex is orgasm. While some people may be satisfied with cuddling, kissing and all other assorted foreplay, most people want to COME! So here is where a creative mind is a wonderful thing. Slow down and enjoy some experimentation. Here are a few suggested avenues to explore.

Use Your Hands

The delightful chef Julia Childs said that when cooking, use your hands as tools. I think this is excellent advice for sexual pleasuring as well. Learn to explore your partner in ways you may never have done before. Find sensitive spots you or they may never even knew existed. Try the, “does this feel good?” technique. There is a whole body that is sensitive to touch. Mutual masturbation can also be very exciting with the same result as vaginal sex.

Use Your Mouth

While you do need to be careful about seminal and vaginal fluids of partners whose STI status is unknown or known to have a STI, if you are just trying to prevent pregnancy, oral sex can be a fulfilling alternative. Not sure what to do? Check out this fantastic book The Guide to Getting it On. Their section on oral sex is particularly helpful to beginners.

Use Alternative Body Parts

In various cultures around the world, partners would rub the penis between thighs, breasts wherever else feels good, to preserve a female’s virginity and prevent pregnancy. Similarly, for many females, rubbing whatever feels good against the clitoris can stimulate to orgasm even better than a penis.

Use a “FiFi”

Remember the movie American Pie where the teen uses a warm apple pie to imitate a vagina? I learned about “fifis” when teaching in detention centers. Teens became very creative making fake vaginas and penises out of materials available to them. Especially popular were washcloths and hand lotion!

Use a Sex Toy

There is massive variety of apparatus available that can enhance sexual pleasure (see this previous post for some suggestions). Just be careful not to share anything that can spread fluids between partners. See section one and try the, “does this feel good?” technique here too. Go online or to an adult store and pick something out together. This in itself can be very arousing.

Add Lubrication to Hands And Anywhere Else It Feels Good

Lubricants can greatly enhance sensitivity, especially when using your hands to pleasure someone (check out a previous post about lube).

I’m sure many of you have other ideas to share! Between two (or more) consenting adults, there is no limit to the variety of ways to give and receive pleasure safely. Enjoy!