Category Archives: Relationships

HIV-Positive? Tips to Help You Talk to Your Partner About Your Status

Posted on December 6, 2012 by E.G. Hanna

A study has found that a “significant number” of teens who were born with HIV are not disclosing their status to their partners. For some, it was because they did not know their status, but others knew and did not tell their partners. This study focused only on teens who were infected before birth, so it does not contain information on teens who became infected through sexual activity. Thankfully, many of the teens who did know their status practiced safer sex by using a condom, but not all of them did.

Not telling your partner not only puts them at risk, but you as well; most states have criminal statutes making it a criminal offense to not disclose HIV status to partners. In Florida, “It is unlawful for any person, knowing him/herself to be HIV positive and knowing the risk of transmission through sexual intercourse, to have intercourse without informing his/her partner of his/her HIV status and receiving consent.”(You can find the full list of state laws here.) This makes it even more important to have the HIV talk with your partner.

If you have HIV and your partner does not, you should know that while there is always a risk of passing on the infection but you can take action to reduce the risk. Aids.gov nails it:

“If you are the HIV-positive partner in a mixed-status relationship, you can lower the risk of transmitting HIV to your partner if you are on anti-retroviral therapy. Taking all your medications, on time, will help to lower the viral load in your body fluids and decrease the chance that you will transmit HIV to your partner. But remember, even if you have a low viral load, you can still transmit HIV to your sex partner. So it is important to always use a condom and practice safer sex. And, if you inject drugs, never share syringes, water, or drug preparation equipment with others since HIV-infected blood can be transmitted through them.
If you are the HIV-negative partner in a mixed-status relationship, talk with your partner about condoms and safer sex practices. If you are in an ongoing relationship with your partner, support him/her in taking all of his/her HIV medications at the right times. This “medication adherence” will lower his/her viral load and reduce the risk that HIV can be transmitted. You may also want to stay up-to-date on developments about pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP). Though researchers are not recommending PrEP be immediately used to prevent HIV infection, recent research findings suggest this may someday be another prevention method to be used with – not instead of – condoms, safer sex practices and other HIV prevention methods.”

The article I linked to above notes that most HIV-related sex education focuses on avoiding infection rather than living with the infection, which is an excellent point. Luckily there are organizations out there with good advice on how to talk to partners and family. When you’re ready to have the talk, try HIV.va.gov’s tips for telling your partners and Womenshealth.gov’s advice on telling people you are HIV positive. Make sure you talk to a case manager or counselor first if you are telling a partner and there is a history of violence or abuse in your relationship.

If you’ve contracted HIV, it’s important to talk to your sexual partner(s) about it. It’s not an easy conversation to have but it’s one that will help keep your partner(s) safe and alert to their status.

Changing Your Name After Marriage and Why I’m Doing It

Posted on December 3, 2012 by Eleanor

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I’m getting married next year – which is very exciting, of course.

I have a confession to make, though: I’m changing my last name after I get married.

As an ardent feminist (and by the way, Katy Perry and Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, if you’re for the progress of women, you’re a feminist – be proud!), it kind of made me hurt a little inside. I thought for years that I would absolutely refuse to change my name; after all, your name is part of your identity and why does it have to be changed?

But then I went to my doctor’s office one day (not Planned Parenthood, mind) and my doctor asked me how my medication was going – a medication that I had never heard of and didn’t take. That was when I realized that they had picked up the wrong chart. And when you’re dealing with medication, a wrong prescription written for a condition that you don’t have? It can kill you.

I have a common-ish name, but it’s not THAT common. Nonetheless, this was the fourth time that I could remember that my chart has been mixed up with someone else. And you know what? That was the final straw. Not-so-common last name, here I come.

There’s really three reasons I’m doing it:

To ensure I get the right medical information – always.
My fiance asked me very nicely. I’m not really wedded to my own last name – it’s OK, but not awesome. On the plus side, I get a nice & memorable name now.
It gives me an opportunity to get rid of the middle name I’ve hated since birth – it’s also OK, but not really me.

And by the way? If you feel that you must change your last name so that you and your children can have the same last name? Don’t worry about that – advice from the mouth of someone whose own mother didn’t change her last name on getting married. I assure you, she’s still very much my mom – and I didn’t have a single question asked about it all through school.

Feminism is about having all options available for women, right? So, for once, I’m going the traditional route. (Weird.)

Opening Marriage

Posted on November 5, 2012 by Allegra

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One of the topics that’s been coming up a lot during this election season is marriage equality. There’s been a lot of encouraging news on that front, to be sure, and it’s great to see how the tide of history is shifting to become more and more inclusive (and it means that I get to go to more fun weddings and talk about sex ed with ministers). However, sometimes the discussions can get so focused on the worthy goal of making marriage accessible to everyone, that they also assume that marriage is the goal for everyone.

There have been some great points made about how non-traditional relationships can often meet people’s needs in ways that traditional, monogamous, marriage can’t. Rachel Maddow did a particularly good job of placing this in the context of queer history when it came up last year, and there’s a great book on my ‘to read’ shelf that looks at a variety of different family structures that we’ve built up in different societies – Unhitched.

I really value the ways in which people are questioning marriage, and are working to create alternate systems and relationships that reflect what they want and need. But the downside of this topic coming up in the context of politics is that the most publicized, widely shared discussions can sometimes become reduced to binary, yes/no choices. (And you all know that I’m inherently suspicious of binaries).

Just as people can work to define non-marriage relationships that work for them, people also redefine marriage, and one of the biggest benefits that comes along with making an institution open to everyone is the fact that it can be more reflective of where our society is. Another good book about this, Marriage, A History, looks at the ways in which marriage has shifted over time. Like many aspects of personal life, these kinds of changes can happen quietly, and change can be slow in coming. (The ongoing disparity between married men and women when it comes to housework and childrearing has been stagnant for far too long.) But being aware of these problems can make them more approachable, and looking to how non-married folks try to avoid those issues can be instructive.

Marriage is a momentous ritual, rite of passage and social institution, and it’s one that’s going to be with us for a while. Recognizing the ways that it can change is, to me, an empowering and joyous thing, and something that I’ll celebrate together with all of the ways in which we build strong families outside of marriage.

Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo

Posted on October 8, 2012 by E.G. Hanna

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Artificial Hymen Kit

For the low, low price of $30, you can be a virgin again! Or can you? What does that even mean?

The Huffington Post recently reported on a virginity kit claiming to “restore your virginity in 5 minutes,” and “save marriages by allowing women to trick their signification others into thinking they still have a hymen.” From the product’s website, here are the instructions: “Insert the Artificial Hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrates, it will ooze out a liquid that appears like blood, not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans and you will pass through undetectable!”

Now this is obviously a cultural issue: The Huffington Post article states that it is sold mostly in the U.S., but I have no information on the age, race or religious background of the buyers. I hope it’s not stereotyping to think that it is likely a highly religious population making this purchase. The product itself perhaps seems a little silly but, who knows, maybe it will keep some women safe from family members who would punish them for not having evidence of virginity after a wedding night. Lord knows it’s cheaper than spending thousands of dollars on hymen restoration surgery.

The concept of bleeding-as-proof of virginity is predicated on the notion that it is normal for someone to experience vaginal bleeding from a broken hymen after first intercourse. Sure that can happen, but not everyone with a vagina bleeds the first time they experience penetrative sex – anatomy varies such that some hymens may tear during sex, some get pushed aside with no problem, some are barely existent in the first place. So bleeding after first vaginal intercourse is not an indicator of virginity. In that vein, so-called “virginity tests” are also bogus – you cannot tell if a person has had intercourse by inspecting their hymen.

I think it’s really important to consider what virginity means in the first place. The most common definition of losing one’s virginity is experiencing penis-in-vagina intercourse. Defining sex as PIV intercourse is highly heteronormative and perhaps even a little dangerous – after all, infections can be spread through oral and anal activity just as easily as PIV intercourse. It also narrows the whole spectrum of human sexual intimacy down to one act. Sex doesn’t deserve to be defined in such a limited black-and-white way.

Personally, I hate the term “losing your virginity.” I hate the idea that a person loses something when they begin having sex. I think you can also gain something: an experience, knowledge of your partner, or even just pleasure. The terms we use for having sex for the first time all denote something being taken from you: “Lost your virginity”; “Lost your innocence”; “deflowered.” I came across an excellent idea the other day: referring to your first sexual experience as your “sexual debut.” Love it.

As far as virginity restoration kits, everyone involved knows it’s not really about getting your virginity back; virginity is not a physical state. It’s about creating an illusion. And if you feel it’s necessary to use one to keep yourself safe and live up to cultural expectations, go for it. As far as making your sexual debut, you don’t have to define it as PIV intercourse – it’s your body and your experience. Define it how you want to.

Religious Support for Reproductive Justice

Posted on September 26, 2012 by Allegra

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This summer, I was lucky enough to go to my cousin’s wedding and be surrounded by a group of really wonderful guests. In addition to having a great time celebrating their marriage, I was also struck by how awesome it was to get such unequivocally positive responses when I told people that I work with Planned Parenthood. I wasn’t expecting to get any grief about it, necessarily, but since my cousin and her wife met while in seminary, and therefore have a lot of friends who are all ministers, I had unconsciously had a little hesitation about that part of the ‘who are you and why are you here’ part of wedding small talk.

While talking with their friend who performed their marriage ceremony, though, I was reminded of the fact that people who are committed to their religion generally have a deep investment in making the world a better place. We talked about how he as a minister often provides support around sexual health issues, from teenagers who are starting to explore their sexuality to gender diversity to ways to counter rape culture.

This is the side of faith that doesn’t get covered on the news, and that can get eclipsed by the louder, more sensational stories about Fred Phelps and the like. Talking with a bunch of different ministers that day reminded me of people like the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice, an interfaith group who have worked for over 45 years to support reproductive justice, and who were deeply committed to ensuring that birth control was covered under the Affordable Care Act.

It reminded me of the thousands of youth groups in churches and synagogues around the country that use progressive sex ed curricula on the weekends, who help to counteract the misinformation that a lot of their participants get from abstinence-only programs in their schools. It reminded me of the courageous Roman Catholic nun I met over a decade ago, who was committed to providing religious counseling for pregnant women about all of their options, including abortion, despite the fact that this could put her in danger of excommunication.

Working to support sexual health may not be something that’s going to grab headlines away from the more dramatic groups, but I hope that more and more of our discussions about religion and sex keep promoting these progressive voices. I know I’m going to keep listening.

When Celebrities Come Out

Posted on September 11, 2012 by Mary

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Can you imagine your sexual preferences splashed across the cover of US Weekly? Can you imagine if you felt that you had to issue a public statement about your sexuality? What if the headline of your “coming out statement” got 43,383 likes on Facebook in just one week?

People in the public eye are constantly under scrutiny, especially when it comes to their sexuality. Remember when everyone already knew that Ellen Degeneres was gay, but finally said so on TV? She lost her job, got blacklisted for a while, and suffered unnecessary and unwanted media intrusion into her personal life. In the end, she came out on top. When celebs go public with their GLBTQ status, I often think, “Who the hell cares? Why are they doing this?”

When I saw a headline on Facebook that actor Jim Parsons (two-time Emmy winner and Golden Globe winner of The Big Bang Theory) is gay, I clicked through to read the story (I’m a HUGE fan of the show). What struck me most about the story was not that he’s gay, nor that he’s been in a long-term relationship longer than I’ve known my husband, but that he’s 39 years old! I thought to myself, “39!?!. He can’t be – he looks too young for 39!” Then I thought (because in my head, I’m friends with him): “Jim, why do you (or the media) feel the need to expose this side of your personal life to the world?” I mean, would his life be any different if he read a public statement about my sexuality? Of course not! Again, who the hell cares?

After considering the answers to these questions for a long time, here’s the conclusion I’ve come to: in the grand scheme of things, no one actually cares about a celebrity’s sexual preferences. But here’s why I think they come out publicly anyway: people who are marginalized inevitably become ambassadors for their cause. Let’s go back to Ellen. By coming out, Ellen has successfully managed to get people (fans AND haters) to see her for the kind, loving, funny, smart, successful person that she is, not the lesbian that she is. People can finally see the forest for the trees, or the person for the lesbian, if you will. When a person learns of Jim Parson’s 10 year relationship, I hope they think, “Huh, for the past 10 years a gay man has had a successful relationship that didn’t affect my heterosexual relationship, my life, my job, my hopes and dreams, or my thoughts, even One. Tiny. Bit.” When celebrities come out, these “ambassadors” allow us the opportunity for personal growth, an opportunity to love one another, an opportunity to evolve.

I can’t wait for the day when people can openly talk about their sexuality the same way people openly talk about which grocery store they prefer. Until we arrive at that place as a society, here are three things YOU can do to make all kinds of sexuality “normal” and accepted:

1) If you don’t know, ask. If you aren’t sure which pronoun to use, ask. If you aren’t sure how to introduce someone, ask. Here’s an example: my brother-in-law’s partner (a woman) does not like to be introduced as his “wife” – she prefers “partner.” Meanwhile, my female co-worker prefers that I introduce her partner (a woman) as her “wife.” Instead of making an ass out of yourself, just ask.

2) Call others out. When you hear someone saying, “that’s so gay” or making homophobic comments, call them out on it. I do this to my own family. You don’t have to be mean about it, just correct them and tell them why it bothers you when they use that kind of language.

3) Believe. Believe deep in your heart that all people really do deserve equal rights. Believe that what you say, how you act, and what you teach your children really does matter, because it does.

4) Advocate. If you accomplish #3, this will happen naturally.

Fun Friday – 10 Weird Human Sex Facts

Posted on August 24, 2012 by Guest Post

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Happy Fun Friday, kittens! We hope you’ve had a good week and have exciting plans for the weekend.

In honor of Fun Friday, courtesy of The Frisky, here are 10 weird sex facts that prove we’re civilized here at the top of the food chain and yet still pretty freakin’ gross …

Communication and the Sexual Response Cycle

Posted on July 30, 2012 by E.G. Hanna

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When we have sex, our bodies go through predictable physiological states. Different researchers have categorized and labeled these states in various ways, but I most often come across William Masters and Virginia Johnson’s four phases.

Phase One: Excitement
Your body experiences increased muscle tension, an increase in heart rate, flushing of the skin, and hardened nipples. Due to increased blood flow, you’ll probably also experience swelling and hardening of the clitoris or penis. The walls of the vagina also swells, and it produces lubrication. Breasts may also swell in size. The testicles swell and elevate slightly, and the penis secretes a lubricating fluid, as well.

Phase Two: Plateau
Everything you experienced in phase one, intensified. Sometimes the clitoris becomes so sensitive that contact may be uncomfortable. The bladder closes to block possibility of urine mixing with semen, and muscles at the base of the penis start to contract so that semen can be expelled at orgasm.

Phase Three: Orgasm
This is the peak of excitement. There are involving involuntary muscle contractions in the vagina, uterus, base of the penis – even the feet! You’ll also have higher blood pressure, rapid breathing, and a faster heart rate. Ejaculation occurs and there is a release of sexual tension.

Final Phase: Resolution
The body returns to its pre-excitement status, with normal heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing. There is a usually a general sense of happiness and intimacy, and a feeling of fatigue. The time it takes to return to phase one of the sexual response cycle, sometimes called the refractory period, varies from person to person and can be minutes to days.

Knowledge of our bodies’ responses to sex can help us understand our needs. Our sexual response doesn’t always line up with our partner’s – one person might be nearing the orgasm phase before the other is even fully excited. Or, someone might be in resolution phase while the other is still in plateau. Both of these things can be frustrating, and it’s important for everyone’s comfort level to understand and respect what their bodies are telling them.

A good example is in this Feronia post about ciswomen or transmen who attempt intercourse before they are excited and find that vaginal penetration is uncomfortable because they aren’t lubricated enough. I once met a ciswoman in a heterosexual relationship who expressed disappointment and embarrassment over a “medical problem.” She stated that during intercourse, she would orgasm before her partner, and then intercourse would become dry and painful. She felt guilty that she wasn’t able to immediately return to her excitement phase and enjoy sex with her partner. But of course, it wasn’t her fault, and there was nothing wrong with her!

Here are some tips to help you and your partner communicate about your bodies and what you need during sex:

Tell/Ask: Tell your partner how you’re feeling, ask your partner how they’re feeling.
Pay Attention: Is your partner lubricated? Are their nipples/clitoris/penis erect? Are they breathing fast? If your partner doesn’t seem to be having fun, doesn’t seem turned on, isn’t actively participating, then STOP. Find out if you need to go slower, or just stop altogether.
Take breaks if needed: Sometimes, especially once someone is in the resolution phase, you might need to give them time before continuing, if they still want to. Remember, no one owes anything anything sexually and consent can be withdrawn at anytime.

All About Asexuality

Posted on July 25, 2012 by Allegra

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Asexuality is one of the more interesting topics in sexuality these days to me, largely because talking about it reveals a lot of assumptions that our society makes about people. Plus, ‘ace’ has become the general term online to describe asexuality resources, and as we know, awesome terminology always makes things better.

First off, what is it? The Asexual Visibility and Education Network defines asexuality as experiencing no significant sexual attraction in others, or lacking any interest in sex. It’s not celibacy – experiencing desire but choosing not to act on it – and it’s not a temporary loss of libido, which many people go through at different times in their lives. Instead, it’s a general, ongoing absence of sexual desire, and an intrinsic part of who a person is.

Other non-straight sexual orientations and identities have evolved and shifted over time, and most people in those groups have experienced being ‘in the closet’ for some period of their lives. However, since they’re all rooted in the presence of a sexual desire that’s outside of the mainstream, any acknowledgement of that desire or action that comes from it involves an active challenge to the status quo – even if it’s not a public challenge.

Asexuality, however, is a much more ‘below-the-radar’ orientation. You might learn that I’m bi because it comes up when I’m talking about my ex-girlfriend, and I might learn that you’re polyamorous because I’ve met two of your partners. But unless you consciously come out as ace, people may never know that about you.

But even if asexuality doesn’t come up explicitly, the issue of sex comes up all the time in conversation, and it’s part of why asexuality as an identity is becoming more widely acknowledged. Asexuality is inconspicuous in the sense that you may not have to explain how you and your ‘roommate’ are happy in a one-bedroom apartment, but there are a surprisingly large number of people who will start to ask really probing questions if you’re consistently flying solo at family events. Pre-sexual revolution, keeping quiet about your sex life was pretty common, but now that our norms have shifted, not talking about sex can end up being a pretty loud choice to make.

There’s a lot more to asexuality than simply ‘not having sex’ – there are a number of people writing and speaking about asexuality, and some of the definitions are still evolving. Folks who are asexual can still have romantic relationships, have families, and get married. There’s no one-size-fits all approach when it comes to describing asexuality, but it’s important for us to be sure to include it when we’re talking about broader policies of sexual health. After all, sometimes a healthy sex life doesn’t involve sex.

Sexualizing Our Youngsters: What Does It Mean – and Why Should We Care?

Posted on July 23, 2012 by Firdaus

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A new study published in the journal Sex Roles found that girls as young as 6 are self-identifying as sexy. Researchers presented two paper dolls to groups of girls ages 6-9 and asked them a series of questions about their attitudes and identity with the images. One of the dolls was sexually-objectified, with tight revealing clothing, while the other was wearing looser and less revealing clothing (see photo of actual dolls used at right). Researchers asked the girls to identify with which doll they wanted to be most like, which they thought they did look like, which they would want to play with, and which was most popular.

To me, the results were not surprising. Overwhelmingly, these girls identified with the “sexy” doll in all four categories measured. Results found that 72% thought the sexy doll was more popular than the non-sexy doll, and 68% wanted to look like the sexy doll.

We’ve known these ideals exist within teens and women, but this study was the first to show data that links self-sexualizing with girls this young. It was only a matter of time until the “Toddlers in Tiaras” phenomenon infiltrated the self-esteem and self-images of our youngest sisters and daughters. You might be asking, “So what? What does it matter if girls as young as six are identifying with sexually objectified icons, and internalizing the pressures to be sexually appealing to others?” Well, in 2007 the American Psychological Association released their widely received report on the dangers of sexualization and sexual objectification of girls and women, and found that sexualization is strongly correlated with negative self-image, eating disorders, depression, low self-esteem, decreased ability to concentrate/focus, lowered scores in math and science, lowered condom-use, and even higher rates of sexual assault.

What is sexualization, as the APA defined it? Sexualization occurs when:

a person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;
a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;
a person is sexually objectified — that is, made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or
sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.

With an emerging culture in which stripper poles are manufactured for young girls, child-sized “wink-wink” thong underwear is sold by top retailers, and bikini waxes are marketed to those just entering puberty, it’s not difficult to see the fragile position we’re putting our youngest generation into: be sexy, or go unnoticed.

These images don’t just impact girls’ self-expectations, they create a cultural landscape in which (cisgendered) boys and men are taught to expect the (cisgender) girls and women around them to live up to these sexy standards in order to be attractive or of value.

Feronia readers, what do you think about exposing our youngsters to these sexualized-images?