Today’s guest post is from Diana Daffner, who runs Intimacy Retreats, about the power of intercourse without the pressure of an erection.
Contrary to the bombardment of advertising for erectile enhancing drugs such as Viagra and Cialis, erections are NOT always the main ingredient in love making. Really? If you’re a male reading this, your first response might be – she’s kidding, right?
However, if you’re female, you might already have an inkling of where I might be going with this. (Although you too will be surprised!)
Let’s start with basics. For self-pleasuring, all by herself, a woman may indeed enjoy using a dildo that simulates the stimulation of an erection or she might not. Vibrator focus can be entirely on the vulva – the outer vaginal area, highlighted by that queen of sensations, the nerve-packed clitoris. Wow, thousands of intense signals transmitting directly to the brain, with no purpose at all except for pure pleasure!
While the clitoris has her own erectile qualities, she is unfortunately often less than fully engorged before a couple begins intercourse. A woman’s arousal time is usually longer than the man’s, and often the whole act is over before she’s reached her peak fullness.
Hold on – don’t worry, I’m not suggesting we take intercourse off the table.
I do remember, though, my first discovery of how delightful sex could be even without intercourse. My lover and I had found ourselves without protection and therefore our typical pattern of foreplay-leading-to-intercourse had to be scrapped. What I had previously thought of as “foreplay” instead became the main act itself. This was quite an awakening and thoroughly enjoyable.
Don’t leave yet – the really good news that I’m about to share with you is that an erection is not even needed for intercourse itself!
All this public fuss about erections has gotten us off track. What’s more important in a relationship is the connection you make with your partner. That’s what puts the love into love making.
I used to think that if my partner didn’t have an erection he wasn’t interested in connecting with me sexually. Wrong. I learned that a guy can really enjoy pleasuring his gal “all the way” without using his penis. Honestly, this can be a major turn on for him!
And even more amazing, I have learned that intercourse itself can be achieved and enjoyed without an erection. Generally referred to as “soft entry,” this type of love making has many benefits. With the pressure off of having to maintain an erection, the focus can be more on the connection itself. The bond of love between the couple deepens in a way that brings a meaningful and delicious charge to the relationship. Resting in the arms of my beloved, hugging him inside and out, I experience more bliss than even those clitoral nerves can transmit – the bliss of pure connection, unhampered by sexual effort, enlivened by sexual presence. My husband and I call this “Peaceful Passion.” It may take a little maneuvering but it can easily provide a strong dose of daily intimacy.
Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads Intimacy Retreats for couples, in U.S. & International locations. Visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com for their schedule.
It is not the case that you need to get your partner used to sex without erections. Performance anxiousness does not need to be a lot more than a temporary issue in any relationship if both of you can approach this with patience and understanding.