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A Final Look at ’50 Shades’: Jealousy and Relationships


Posted on July 2, 2012 by

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Today’s guest post is from “Erin” who is a graduating student of Women’s and Gender Studies at a local university. She specializes in sexuality as it relates to gender and her main focus is reproductive rights history.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” has intrigued the nation, including me. I think everyone is highly aware that it is a raunchy novel about the budding sexual relationship of Christian Grey, a BDSM Dominant and self-made billionaire, and Anastasia Steele, a young, naïve woman graduating from university. Though Christian wants Anastasia to participate in a BDSM relationship as his submissive, she is not sure whether this is the life for her, though she finds she likes participating in the sex play that goes along with the lifestyle. Here at the Feronia Project, we are sex positive. We believe that any consensual sex is perfectly all right, including BDSM. In fact, another take on “50 Shades” is that it has great benefits as erotic literature. Throughout the trilogy, there are countless hot sex scenes that empower women to go after their desires and realize that female sexuality exists, for one, and is just as potent as male sexuality. From a feminist perspective, the sexual empowerment is amazing; that said, if this were a movie, it would not pass the Bechdel test.

Jealousy is a pervading theme in the novels. Christian is constantly concerned, frustrated and angry about the other men in Ana’s life; and Ana is perpetually worried about all the women who swoon over Christian’s devastating good looks, not to mention Christian’s “Mrs. Robinson.” According to Psychology Today, “As emotions go, jealousy is neither subtle nor kind, but it is definitely complex, encompassing feelings from fear of abandonment to rage to humiliation. It strikes both men and women when they perceive a third-party threat to a valued relationship, and that distinguishes it from envy, which involves wanting something someone else has. Conventional wisdom holds that jealousy is a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds, but it more often destroys them. And it can give rise to relationship violence.” Or as Havelock Ellis put it succinctly, “Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.”

If you have ever experienced romantic jealousy, you know it is a horrible feeling, which often makes us react irrationally. It comes from within and usually has nothing to do with the other person’s actions. It stems from insecurity, low self-esteem, and lack of trust. The only way to effectively overcome jealousy is to have open and rational communication, as well as taking a serious look at the underlying emotional issues (namely insecurity, low self-esteem, and lack of trust). The problem with jealousy is that it’s a slippery slope from there to violence. According to the Domestic Violence Resource Center:

• 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime

• Almost 1 in 3 women murdered in the U.S. was killed by an intimate partner

This means that domestic abuse is real and serious. The first step to take to end an abusive relationship is to recognize that it is an abusive relationship. There is a typical pattern that abusive relationships take called the cycle of abuse:

Not all abusive relationships follow this linearly, so if you find yourself in a relationship that looks somewhat or even minutely abusive, please seek help. There are also different kinds of abuse: emotional, physical or sexual. These can be intermingled or separate. There are definite warning signs to look out for – I’ve always called them red flags throughout my dating life:

Jealousy and Possessiveness: This can manifest as isolating you from your friends and family, rifling through your belongings, wanting you to drop all your friends (especially of the same sex as your partner), and/or expecting you to spend all your time with him/her.

Controlling Behavior: This can manifest as calling or texting you constantly to keep tabs on where you are and what you’re doing, showing up at your work or school to check up on you, checking mileage on your car, bossing you around, giving you orders, making all the decisions, disregarding your suggestions and wishes, discounting your feelings, making you feel trapped or crazy, blaming you for all his/her problems and making you feel his/her behavior is your fault, withholding approval, and/or putting you down and calling you names.

Hypersensitivity and explosive behavior: This can manifest as bursting out in anger unpredictably, and/or making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

Threatening and using violence: This can manifest as grabbing, pushing, shoving, slapping, shaking, kicking, punching, and/or choking you; pressuring you for sex; breaking or destroying objects, especially those you value; making your friends and family concerned for you and your safety. If you or a friend find yourself in an abusive situation, here are some resources, local and otherwise:

• The Crisis Center of Tampa Bay –> Tampa

• CASA- Community Action Stops Abuse –> St. Pete

• SPARCC- Safe Place and Rape Crisis Center –> Sarasota

• RAINN – Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

• Domestic Violence Resource Center

• Dial 2-1-1 for 24/7 Crisis Hotline and Resources

Back to ‘50 Shades’

The relationship between Christian and Anastasia includes some “kinky fuckery” that uses inflicting pain in order to enhance pleasure. This is defined as sadomasochism. These sexual experiences are consensual and they use safe words – even if the safe word is simply “stop.” The only times when Anastasia is not comfortable with the sadomasochistic practices that Christian so dearly desires is when his intention is to discipline her, not to pleasure her. These are the times when she removes herself from the situations or uses the safe words. Because the interactions between Ana and Christian are always consensual, I do not find anything wrong with their portrayal of BDSM relationships in the novels. It is only the jealousy and controlling behaviors that are alarming. When life is a little less ideal than an erotic fantasy novel, these behaviors may lead to other less endearing ones, namely abusive behaviors. Don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.

What did you think of “Fifty Shades of Grey”? There are so many interpretations out there already, but I want to know yours.

More on 50 Shades of Grey (or Taming of the Grey)


Posted on June 27, 2012 by

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I didn’t want to do it but everyone else was … From television to Facebook, newspapers to a gazillion blog sites, it seemed that everyone was (and still is) talking about “50 Shades of Grey,” the erotic novel by E. L. James. The three-book “Grey” series has become a literary phenomenon. In May, the books occupied all three top spots on The New York Times Bestseller List and tens of thousands of people had them on hold at libraries across the country.

The series has spurred a spike in sales of “kinky” sex accessories (including anal toys) and bondage materials. There are “Shades of Grey” passion parties being held around the country and the series has more than 168,000 fans on its Facebook page, where comments range from “best books I’ve ever read” to “OMG I read, LOVED and can’t wait to read them again.”

A screenplay is in the works and now there is talk that the author will re-write the books from the point of view of the male lead, Christian Grey.

Not all of the feedback has been rosy: The books were pulled from library shelves in Melbourne, Florida (but were soon returned due to public outcry). Critics have been harsh in their judgment of the quality of the writing and some have faulted the depiction of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, [Dominance and Submission], Sado-masochism) as setting a bad example for healthy, consensual sex. Many are up in arms at what they see as the degradation of the lead female character, Anastasia Steele (and, thus, all women).

It has been called “chick lit” and “mommy porn.” Women worldwide are sighing – and sharing. Even my mother’s book club (all ages 65+) read and discussed the first book. So I gave in and read it. My take? Truthfully, beyond the titillation of the frequent and varied sex (resulting in about a gazillion mind-blowing orgasms), what I really think this book’s main theme is that any man, even one as screwed up as Christian Grey, can be changed – fixed, even – by the right partner.

As a woman who has grown up strongly believing that no opportunity should be out of reach, and that no woman needs to be dependent on anyone else for her “keep” and/or happiness; and as a proud staff member at Planned Parenthood, where we work to educate patients and community youth about healthy relationships and consensual sex – perhaps I should have hated this book. But while many claim to be appalled by the so-called “anti-feminist ideals” of “Shades,” I’m not.

As rigid as Christian is set up to be, Ana always gets her way. By the end of the second book, Grey has fallen in love, is overcoming some of his hang-ups, and the romance blooms, complete with a marriage proposal. Ana can resist Christian’s will and even roll her eyes with impunity. The sex is always consensual and Christian is adamant that Ana use “safe words” when she feels endangered.

And as for the sex, “Shades” shows that erotic lit has come a long way since the awful romance novels that were popular decades ago – covers featuring a bare-chested Fabio (or a Fabio look-alike) and using phrases to describe the body such as “throbbing” or “raging manhood,” “rigid shaft,” “pulsing member,” “heaving bosoms,” “dew-moistened petals,” “honeypot” and more unbearable prose. I won’t even go into the euphemisms for orgasm. (Let’s just say that love juices are often in great supply.) “No” didn’t always mean “no” in those books (although rape never seemed to prevent the female main character from falling in love with her attacker later on). And I may be dating myself, but the big erotic novel of my adolescent days was “Flowers in the Attic,” in which siblings abandoned for years in an attic by their neglectful mother and tended to by a psychotic grandmother have their sexual awakening – with each other. Eeeeewww.

So how might intelligent and socially aware women feel about this book? Probably that it’s not great literature. Maybe (depending on one’s sexual orientation, of course) that the sex is pretty hot – I mean, who wouldn’t like to come every single time? Definitely that Ana had choices and got her way in that the relationship was never the subservient, slave-based affair that Grey had initially demanded – and that she even ended up saving his wounded soul.

My generation grew up while “Second Wave Feminism” was in full force. Many women were questioning patriarchy and gender equality, broadening the struggle to include areas such as sexuality, workplace issues, and reproductive rights. From the National Organization of Women to smaller, localized organizations, women were fighting against a powerful system of male dominance. (Major achievements during my childhood included the passage of Title IX and ‘Roe v. Wade.’ Not too shabby.) So once you move closer to equality with men, what could be better than … being sexually submissive to a man (but getting what you learn you’ve been wanting the whole time)?

In the end, “Grey” is about love; sexual awakening and learning how to ask for what you want and need; and having the power to change even the most powerful and rigid man. Ana shows who is really in control as she changes Christian through the power of love; now if only I could get my partner to change out the empty toilet paper roll …

Fifty Shades of Grey & The Benefits of Erotic Literature


Posted on June 13, 2012 by

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It’s spent 14 weeks on the New York Times’ bestseller list – perhaps you’ve heard of Fifty Shades of Grey? If you haven’t, The Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy chronicles the relationship of a couple named Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. Sounds innocent enough, right? Not so: controversy abounds with the so-called “erotic trilogy.” It’s been banned from libraries – and put back in – and derisively called “mommy porn” by its detractors. So, what’s so risque about it? It focuses on the sexual part of their relationship: namely S & M sex.

We’ve talked about BDSM here on the Feronia Project before and we believe at the Feronia Project that BDSM can be a totally healthy part of a sexual relationship (as long as it’s consensual, of course). The sex in Fifty Shades of Grey is just that – and many people are saying that its success is improving relationships. So, what’s the benefits of erotic literature?

Erotic literature is nothing new, but it can be a gateway to asking for something new; many people theorize that Fifty Shades of Grey is so popular because it is a novel where couples can learn new sexual techniques and women or men can ask for them. And it seems to be doing just that: The New York Post reports that at Babeland, an adult store in New York, sales of kinky products are up nearly 30 percent in the last few months and visits to the bondage section of their Web site have spiked 81 percent. Erotic literature also allows the reader to fantasize in a way that any other sexual medium can’t, which can also make for a more pleasurable masturbation experience.

In the age of the Kindle and the Nook, we can hide the covers of what we’re reading – and maybe that’s why Fifty Shades of Grey and its ilk are selling like hotcakes. However, if you’re a Fifty Shades of Grey fan and want to see what it would look like on the big screen, expect a movie out sometime next year or the year after. After all, when books are selling less and less, it looks like “women’s desire can be big business, and [media companies are acting] accordingly.”

Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? What did you think?

A Sex-Positive View of BDSM


Posted on April 12, 2012 by

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Are you in a safe, healthy relationship? Are you intrigued by the idea of “rough sex,” where hitting, slapping, scratching, or biting is involved? Then you might be interested in BDSM, or impact play.

As a sex-positive, sexual health educator, I realize that many people have trouble communicating their sexual preferences with their partners. This can leave them feeling unsatisfied and, in some cases, resentful. Further, tinkering with sexual play that borders on traditional ideas of “sexual deviance” can make some conversations feel even more impossible. But, as we know with other favorites we have (birthday cake flavors, pizza toppings, movies, etc.), we must make them known before they can become known. We have to decide, for ourselves, what our likes and dislikes are, and it’s our responsibility to convey them to others if we ever expect to get what we want. Remember, folks, your partners are not mind readers: in the bedroom is no exception!

According to Wikipedia, BDSM is “an erotic preference and a form of personal relationship involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role play. The compound initialism BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/S), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures. Activities and relationships within a BDSM context are characterized by the participants usually taking on complementary but unequal roles, thus the idea of consent of both the partners becomes essential. Typically, participants who are active – applying the activity or exercising control over others – are known as “tops,” or dominants. Those participants who are recipients of the activities, or who are controlled by their partners are typically known as “bottoms,” or submissives. Individuals who alternate between top/dominant and bottom/submissive roles — whether from relationship to relationship or within a given relationship — are known as “switches.”

If you’re intrigued by BDSM sex practices, here are some things you want to keep in mind:

1. Safe Sex: It is always imperative to practice safe sex, even when stepping outside the traditional sex models. Male or female condoms should be used during intercourse or oral sex (though male and female condoms should never be used at the same time for tearing reasons). Dental dams or plastic wrap should be used for protection during oral sex on a female, and condoms should be used when sharing toys. Even if in a committed relationship, we strongly encourage testing for sexually transmitted infections together before engaging without barriers as protection.

2. Safe Words: When trying out new sexual practices, it is exceptionally important to communicate your needs and boundaries with your partner. It may not always feel “sexy” to stop and discuss your comfort level “in the moment,” so safe words can help to identify your needs without feeling like you’re leaving “the mood.” Particularly with BDSM play, words like “green,” “yellow” and “red” can be helpful for communicating your sensations. “Green” for “go” or “yes, I’m enjoying this”; “yellow” for “slow down” or “you’re approaching the limits of my comfort zone”; and “red” for “stop what you’re doing.” Since we’re all familiar with yellow, green and red as associations for “movement,” it can serve as a natural communicator. It’s up to you and your partner to decide your safe words are before the act occurs.

3. Start Slowly: Particularly with sex, it is important to begin slowly and identify your comfort zones as you go. A specific position or activity might be fulfilling to one partner but be very uncomfortable – or even painful – for the other. This is why, especially when engaging in any sort of “pain” or “impact” play, it is important for you and your partner to learn each other’s preferences slowly. Pain and/or “impact” play is a delicate creature that, without proper boundaries and communication, can easily become negative or even traumatic.

So, be safe, communicate, and go slowly. BDSM can only be healthy when all parties feel equally heard and valued with boundaries respected.

Care to learn more? Are you 18 and up? Here’s a good video by the folks at The Smitten Kitten explaining how to start with “impact play” (another term for BDSM). Let me be frank about the video: it is not safe for work and does include nudity and sex scenes for instructional purposes.

This is the first time we’re linking to something so explicit in content. Let us know, Feronian readers, are you offended by our openness? Or do you appreciate us bringing you sex-positive content you might not otherwise find in your online communities? We’re here for you!