Tag Archives: parenting

Book Review – Stuck in the Middle With You: A Memoir of Parenting in Three Genders, by Jennifer Finney Boylan*


Posted on May 28, 2013 by

Leave a reply
Cover image is (c) Crown Publishers.

Cover image is (c) Crown Publishers.

You may recognize the name of the author – she wrote a very popular book, She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders, about her transition from male to female (at the time, it was many people’s introduction to the concept of transgender). I have to admit, I haven’t read that book (yet), but when I heard that Stuck in the Middle with You: A Memoir of Parenting in Three Genders was coming out, chronicling her experience as a parent across genders, I put it on my list to read.

The book itself is written in chronological order, separated into three parts: part 1 is “Daddy” and includes her experiences as a male parent and as a husband. It talks about the pain she experienced in denying her female gender and how she was a male model for fatherhood, even while being in her words, “a feminine man.” Part 2 is “Maddy,” all about the years where she was transitioning from male to female and coming out as transgender to all members of her family – her mother included. (Some, unfortunately, were more accepting than others about this than others.) And the last part, part 3, is “Mommy,” talking about what happened after she fully transitioned into a woman. A great summary of the main theme throughout the book – one that I fully agree with – is that “[i]t is my hope that having a father who became a woman has made my two remarkable boys, in turn, into better men.”

Each section of the book is followed by interviews about fathers & sons, “atypical” relationships between parents & children, and interviews with mothers & daughters. Boylan points out, rightly so, that around 8% of children are now raised in a “typical” family that is so often referenced in American society, consisting of a mother (who is stay-at-home) and a father who works. And that’s the point.

I myself was raised in an “atypical” family. I had a female mother & male father, who died when I was younger; my grandmother helped raise us and when I refer to my parents, I’m talking about my mother and grandmother, not my mom & dad. But isn’t family what you make of it? Does it matter what gender the parents are? A dear friend of mine was born to and raised by two moms and now has a baby of her own with her husband. Does that make her a better or worse parent than one raised in a “typical” family? Not at all. 

The shifting definition of family has long-range societal implications (it’s this question that is at the heart of the Proposition 8 and DOMA cases being decided in the Supreme Court as I type) but Finney’s book is the answer to a larger question: is this fluidity also the answer to acceptance of all? I certainly hope so and Finney makes a great case that it doesn’t matter what gender you are or transition to – it only matters what you teach them and what kind of a role model you are.

If you want to read a book that chronicles what it really means to be a parent? Pick up Stuck in the Middle with You: A Memoir of Parenting in Three Genders – you won’t regret it.

*While this post contains some affiliate links, The Feronia Project was not provided a copy of this book for review. We just picked it up at the library, loved it, and wanted to share it with you.

I work with abortion. I will not apologize.


Posted on April 30, 2013 by

Leave a reply

abortion-law-sizeLast week I attended an incredible workshop with my colleagues, where we talked about the emotional side of abortion work. About ten of us, all working in different roles within our affiliate, shared with each other how we cope with the stigmatized nature of our work, and how we deal with protesters both in our communities and in our personal lives (friends, family, etc.). I learned so much about the strength, courage, and absolute commitment to helping women that my colleagues and I share. It was really emotional and absolutely inspiring to recognize the commitment we have to this work. I am so proud to be a part of in the struggle of women; in the herstory of women.

Having said that, it was ironic that a few days later I became involved in a confrontation about my work with a distant relative through, of all places, Facebook. While I honor and love this family member, and have incredibly fond memories of our time together in my childhood, we just don’t agree politically or socially now that I’m an adult. Specifically, when it comes to social issues and the issue of a woman’s right to decide. So, I posted something about an interview with anti-choice protesters, and was issued a moral citation via comment box.

A few days later he sent me an email about the better choice being adoption. I now felt like I needed to explain myself without apologizing or igniting personal defenses. I do not want to fight with family about the work I do. And I will not apologize. Having spent time discussing such awkward and uncomfortable interactions with family a few days before at the workshop, I felt like I was prepared to respond. Awkward? Yes. Impossible? No. In summary:

…I’ve been working one-on-one with women who choose abortion for the past 5 years. I’ve met with hundreds and hundreds, perhaps thousands of women in my office, and my beliefs about choice stem from listening to them and learning their stories. For many, adoption is an excellent choice, and I whole-heartedly support women who choose that route. I am most excited when I meet with a woman who has planned her pregnancy, and is ecstatic when the pregnancy test comes back positive. There is so much joy to share in life.

Though the organization I work for only sees about 10% of clients for abortion services, I travel to our different locations and work predominantly with those clients. I do family planning education and give emotional support to women who are choosing abortion. I feel I am an angel for so many of the women I see, who are ashamed, afraid, stigmatized, guilt-ridden and desperate. I accept them, I accept their choice, and I honor them as human beings trying to do the best they can for themselves, their families, and their futures.

Having said that, I speak with each and every single woman who is considering abortion about adoption. That is a requirement; we talk with women about adoption and how to continue their pregnancies for parenthood, along with abortion education. Over and over and over again, when I talk with women about adoption, many give the same response: there is no way they could spend 9 months becoming emotionally attached to their pregnancy and give it away. The guilt and resentment they would feel knowing they had a child in the world that they had “abandoned” is a worse choice for them than to prevent the pregnancy from continuing. These are their words, not mine. For others, adoption is an opportunity to give their child to a family who is ready and able to provide a quality life for their child. Every woman’s view is valid.

In many cases over the years, I have helped women choose to continue their pregnancies. I support their choice, regardless of the outcome. It is their body, their life, not mine…. Having said that, our perspectives on this issue are different, but I respect your opinion, as your beliefs are just as valid as mine.

This line of work is both incredibly challenging and incredibly rewarding. Our greatest hope and mission is for all children to be wanted children, and for the need for abortion to no longer exist. However, we do not currently live in a world where this is possible, and abortion is a safe option that 1/3 of U.S. women make in their lifetime. I emphasize education and prevention. I will not apologize.

 

Pregnancy, Childbirth & Parenting: What to Expect When No One Tells You What’s REALLY Going to Happen


Posted on May 9, 2012 by

1 Reply

(Mother’s Day is just around the corner so here’s a funny, yet informative piece for expecting and parenting mommies everywhere.)

This is the stack of books that towered on my nightstand during my first pregnancy. Each night I would read something like “this week your baby is growing eyelashes,” or “your baby is the size of a grapefruit,” or “watch out for swollen ankles!” Informative, but the real warnings started rolling in from my girlfriends, “don’t take nice pajamas to the hospital, you’ll bleed all over them,” and “the billing department at the hospital has no shame,” and “take your own pads, the hospital ones are the thickness of a mattress.” But even my girlfriends didn’t share some things (until I brought them up) so I’m going to share them with you with hopes that you’ll appreciate the information, even if it doesn’t happen to you.

Orgasm = Response from Baby – Soon after you can feel the baby moving, you may experience the craziest mind zinger you could imagine. One minute you’re on top of the most mind-blowing, satisfying, fulfilling orgasm ever, and the next you’re feeling the baby do a somersault. Nothing like your mind zipping from a place of selfish pleasure back to the reality that you’re about to be a mother! This can happen as a result of an orgasm achieved by masturbation or sex. Why, you ask? Well, the rhythmic contractions of an orgasm are similar to the rhythmic contractions of labor so the uterus could be tightening down on baby, causing it to move to adjust to the change. Also, in the refractory period (after orgasm), lots of a hormone called oxytocin is released, which can also cause the baby to respond. Oxytocin is the “love hormone” or bonding hormone that makes some of us want to cuddle after sex. It is also the hormone responsible for bonding between mother and just-born baby and, in part, why kangaroo care is often promoted in hospitals. There’s a scientific reason why orgasms can make babies respond, but it doesn’t make it any less surprising when it happens.

Orgasm = Major Leakage (if you’re nursing) – Oxytocin is released during orgasm, but so is prolactin. The release of prolactin after orgasm is meant to counteract the effects of dopamine, which is responsible for sexual arousal. Prolactin is also what stimulates milk production and “let down.” So seconds after an orgasm, you may feel that tell-tale tingly feeling of let down and, if you do, be prepared for major milk leakage.

My Knees Are in My Ears and You’re Talking About What? – My husband loved our midwives as much as I did. My midwife stayed in the room through every last minute of the 3.5 hours I was pushing. As the contractions fizzled out, I’d take a rest. At one point, I woke up to my husband joking about “vajazzaling” with the midwife. Seriously?

Holy Blood Clots, Batman! – Expect big and small blood clots, discharges of various kinds, and a war scene in your toilet for at least a week after delivery. If you pushed for any significant amount of time, expect your vagina and/or vulva to be swollen. You might be so swollen, in fact, that sitting and scooting across the bed or couch are simply not possible. Tip: roll over onto your hip and slide out of bed on your hip, not butt. Trust me.

What the Hell, Uterus?!? – Just when you thought your uterus was done being on center stage, she reappears for an encore performance. If you nurse, expect some pretty significant uterine cramping in the beginning. Despite the discomfort, you actually want this to happen. These contractions help the uterus to shrink back down, helping you get your abdomen back after its squishy phase immediately following delivery. And by squishy, I mean like a bowl of rising dough in both appearance and texture.

Baby is Here, Check Your Selfishness at the Door – I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go to the movies as often and that the time spent on my hair and makeup would be substantially less, but I did not expect to fall apart the first time I couldn’t do something fun because I’m now a mother. Let me set the stage: It’s two or three weeks after delivery, I’m still sore, and I’m nursing. I can’t go anywhere, and I really don’t want to go anywhere, but everyone else, husband and family in town, want to go to the Rays home opener. If you knew my husband, you’d know this day is more fun to him than his own birthday. I was trying to be a big girl so I told them to go on and have fun. As they donned their lucky jerseys, I started crying. A lot. My husband was great; he just let me cry and said that he’d stay home with me if it would help. It wouldn’t help; it would just make me feel guilty. This hot mess moment was my realization that my life had forever changed. I would make sacrifices, much more meaningful than missing a baseball game, and have to deal with the fact that I asked for this. It is VERY hard sometimes to be selfless in order to meet the needs of your children. And dare I say it? Ok, yes I will, since we are being honest here: sometimes your own selfishness will turn to resentment of your partner or children. That isn’t a pretty thing to say out loud or feel, but it is the truth. Don’t worry – you’re still a great mom.

Your Husband/Partner Isn’t Made of Steel – I never expected to come home from an evening meeting to find my baby AND husband with bloodshot, tearful eyes, set in faces that looked of pure exhaustion. Our little one was about three months old and had received vaccinations that day. They made her so irritable and feverish that she screamed one of those high-pitched, endless, blood-curdling screams for the entire 2-3 hours I was gone. He didn’t know what to do but he didn’t reach out to me for help because he wanted me to have “me time” without worrying about what was going on at home. I took one look at them, gave my husband a hug, and took the baby from him. He had to go sit alone in a room for a while to collect himself. If the above-mentioned moment was my “a-ha!” moment, this was his. We now have an agreement that we will not leave one another alone on the evening of a vaccination.

Speaking of Vaccinations – If you don’t like vaccinating your kids, so be it. Just do your research. Don’t persist on some ideology not supported by science. But on the other hand, trust your gut and stick up for yourself. And here’s a real tough lesson we learned: opt out of the Band-Aids. Getting them off your little one’s tender skin is almost as traumatizing as the shot itself.

Hunting for Day Care SUCKS – If you actually care how and with whom your child is spending his/her day, you already know that finding a day care that you can feel good about just plain sucks. Do not settle for less than a perfect fit. In fact, start searching months before your kid arrives. Not to make you feel any more guilty, but ages 0-5 are the most important years of a person’s life. Show me a psychopath and I’ll show you a person who didn’t get his/her developmental/psychosocial/physical/nutritional/attachment needs met when they were ages 0-5.

The Hardest Job in the World – Contrary to popular belief, being a stay-at-home mom is NOT the hardest job in the world: being a working mom is. Not only do you have all the same responsibilities of a SAHM, you also have to balance that with your career. One of my friends shared this tidbit with me and it still resonates with me today: A working mom always feels inadequate at one thing or the other. She meant that no matter how hard you try or how good your situation is, there will always be times when you feel inadequate at work or at home. Case in point: a really important deadline at work versus a sick child at home – which do you choose? Sure, you find a way to stay with the sick kid since your partner is out of town and your nearest family member is eight states away, but that feeling of inadequacy at work creeps in and makes you feel like sh*t. I was a Peace Corps volunteer and those two years were WAY easier than parenting. “Peace Corps: the toughest job you’ll ever love” … my ass!

#2 – I don’t mean pooping here. Although I do recommend you keep a stool softener on hand for just after birth. You don’t want a hard poop ruining your day. What I mean by #2 is that I’m expecting #2 in a couple months (another girl). Even though parenting is tough and stretches me beyond the person I ever knew I could be, or would have to be, I’ve willingly signed up for a second round. In my opinion, being good parent is the greatest contribution that I can make to this world. The world needs more good people and that’s something I know I can deliver on. I’ve always been very driven and never quite known why. It all makes sense now: all of the education, experiences, and life lessons – they weren’t for me, they were for her, and they were pieced together strategically so she could be raised by exactly the mother she needs. Somehow, that stately Master’s degree on my wall pales in comparison to when my daughter shows concern for another human being. This is how I measure my success now and I love it.

So with all that said … Happy Mother’s Day! (Now would someone please send me a survival guide for raising girls who are 2.5 years apart, particularly between the ages of 11-18?)