Tag Archives: relationships

Online Dating Sites: How Do They Work?

Posted on January 30, 2013 by Mary

To put it simply, online dating sites match people by using mathematical algorithms. The information you post on online dating sites is essentially broken down into key words and compared against other user’s key words – the greater the similarities in key words, the stronger the “match.” (This is an oversimplification, but you get the gist, right?)

(Sheldon Cooper thinks it’s hokum. The video below is the copyright of Chuck Lorre Productions & Warner Brothers TV.)

I put “match” in quotes, because the effectiveness of these matching algorithms is highly debatable. Any worthy scientist would scoff at the validity of the “science” used by the creators of these algorithms. What a scientist would confirm, however, is the brain’s ability to size up a person in a face-to-face encounter within seconds. The brain is highly evolved, it processes sensory cues and puts the information into messages we can respond to. Ever been in a situation with a stranger and within seconds felt fear or attraction? The impulse to flee or introduce yourself? For this reason, speed-dating can be more effective than online dating. Plus, meeting face-to-face eliminates the possibility of meeting a catfish.

What online dating can do for you is expose you to far more people than you might normally meet. The truth is that more relationships begin online (20%) than they did 20 years ago. Many people like online dating because it is one way to “weed out” potential mates before ever having to meet, which saves everyone embarassment, time, and potentially, heartbreak. Just remember, sometimes people look good on paper but in person they lack that *spark* that is essential for romantic relationships. I’ll let you be the judge if online dating sites work, but be wary of people who abuse the system.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you of the dangers of online dating. Here are a few tips to keep you safer:

Never use any personal identifying information in your profile (like address, phone number, social security number, etc.).
ALWAYS meet in a public place.
ALWAYS tell a friend or family member where and with whom you intend to meet.
If you think you might be being “catfished,” ask the person to write your name on a piece of paper, take a picture of them holding it, and send it to you. You probably have another picture of them from a social networking site to compare it against. One reason to suspect “catfishing” is if the other person always makes excuses for not meeting you in person.
NEVER send money to someone you don’t know personally – as in, actually met in person.
Tell the truth. You aren’t doing anybody any favors by claiming to be 18, when you’re actually 30. Or worse, 15.

And lastly, check out this infographic . . . (I’m alarmed by #8)

Feronians, have you had luck with online dating? Have any cautionary tales to share? Safety tips? Share them in our comments section!

Cheating, and What Comes After

Posted on January 24, 2013 by Allegra

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There are a number of unpleasant realities about relationships, and one of them is that sometimes people end up cheating. As painful, heart-wrenching and explosive as it is when this comes to light, that’s only part of the story. Once the emotional dust settles, there are some tough emotional decisions to make, and they’re not always as straightforward as just DTMFA.

First and foremost, you’ll want to get tested for STIs to see what your status is, and take care of your health.
If you’re trying to figure out how to move forward in your relationship, make sure that you’re taking care of yourself and working with your partner to set up realistic expectations and boundaries, so that there’s room to rebuild trust. It’s a difficult, slow process, but it is possible if you’re both motivated.
If you decide that the best decision is to end things with your partner, you can work to minimize any additional pain by surrounding yourself with supportive people – friends, family, a good therapist, or all of the above – and asking for help with the practical side of splitting up, since it can be emotionally hard to advocate for yourself when you’ve just been through the wringer.

And finally, whether you’ve been cheated on, or you were the one who cheated, know that you’re not alone in working to get through this. There are a lot of couples who’ve successfully stayed together after infidelity. However, since it’s not the kind of topic that comes up in casual conversation, it can seem like everyone breaks up after someone’s been unfaithful. You and your partner need to find out what’s right for you.

Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo

Posted on October 8, 2012 by E.G. Hanna

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Artificial Hymen Kit

For the low, low price of $30, you can be a virgin again! Or can you? What does that even mean?

The Huffington Post recently reported on a virginity kit claiming to “restore your virginity in 5 minutes,” and “save marriages by allowing women to trick their signification others into thinking they still have a hymen.” From the product’s website, here are the instructions: “Insert the Artificial Hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrates, it will ooze out a liquid that appears like blood, not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans and you will pass through undetectable!”

Now this is obviously a cultural issue: The Huffington Post article states that it is sold mostly in the U.S., but I have no information on the age, race or religious background of the buyers. I hope it’s not stereotyping to think that it is likely a highly religious population making this purchase. The product itself perhaps seems a little silly but, who knows, maybe it will keep some women safe from family members who would punish them for not having evidence of virginity after a wedding night. Lord knows it’s cheaper than spending thousands of dollars on hymen restoration surgery.

The concept of bleeding-as-proof of virginity is predicated on the notion that it is normal for someone to experience vaginal bleeding from a broken hymen after first intercourse. Sure that can happen, but not everyone with a vagina bleeds the first time they experience penetrative sex – anatomy varies such that some hymens may tear during sex, some get pushed aside with no problem, some are barely existent in the first place. So bleeding after first vaginal intercourse is not an indicator of virginity. In that vein, so-called “virginity tests” are also bogus – you cannot tell if a person has had intercourse by inspecting their hymen.

I think it’s really important to consider what virginity means in the first place. The most common definition of losing one’s virginity is experiencing penis-in-vagina intercourse. Defining sex as PIV intercourse is highly heteronormative and perhaps even a little dangerous – after all, infections can be spread through oral and anal activity just as easily as PIV intercourse. It also narrows the whole spectrum of human sexual intimacy down to one act. Sex doesn’t deserve to be defined in such a limited black-and-white way.

Personally, I hate the term “losing your virginity.” I hate the idea that a person loses something when they begin having sex. I think you can also gain something: an experience, knowledge of your partner, or even just pleasure. The terms we use for having sex for the first time all denote something being taken from you: “Lost your virginity”; “Lost your innocence”; “deflowered.” I came across an excellent idea the other day: referring to your first sexual experience as your “sexual debut.” Love it.

As far as virginity restoration kits, everyone involved knows it’s not really about getting your virginity back; virginity is not a physical state. It’s about creating an illusion. And if you feel it’s necessary to use one to keep yourself safe and live up to cultural expectations, go for it. As far as making your sexual debut, you don’t have to define it as PIV intercourse – it’s your body and your experience. Define it how you want to.

A Final Look at ’50 Shades’: Jealousy and Relationships

Posted on July 2, 2012 by Guest Post

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Today’s guest post is from “Erin” who is a graduating student of Women’s and Gender Studies at a local university. She specializes in sexuality as it relates to gender and her main focus is reproductive rights history.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” has intrigued the nation, including me. I think everyone is highly aware that it is a raunchy novel about the budding sexual relationship of Christian Grey, a BDSM Dominant and self-made billionaire, and Anastasia Steele, a young, naïve woman graduating from university. Though Christian wants Anastasia to participate in a BDSM relationship as his submissive, she is not sure whether this is the life for her, though she finds she likes participating in the sex play that goes along with the lifestyle. Here at the Feronia Project, we are sex positive. We believe that any consensual sex is perfectly all right, including BDSM. In fact, another take on “50 Shades” is that it has great benefits as erotic literature. Throughout the trilogy, there are countless hot sex scenes that empower women to go after their desires and realize that female sexuality exists, for one, and is just as potent as male sexuality. From a feminist perspective, the sexual empowerment is amazing; that said, if this were a movie, it would not pass the Bechdel test.

Jealousy is a pervading theme in the novels. Christian is constantly concerned, frustrated and angry about the other men in Ana’s life; and Ana is perpetually worried about all the women who swoon over Christian’s devastating good looks, not to mention Christian’s “Mrs. Robinson.” According to Psychology Today, “As emotions go, jealousy is neither subtle nor kind, but it is definitely complex, encompassing feelings from fear of abandonment to rage to humiliation. It strikes both men and women when they perceive a third-party threat to a valued relationship, and that distinguishes it from envy, which involves wanting something someone else has. Conventional wisdom holds that jealousy is a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds, but it more often destroys them. And it can give rise to relationship violence.” Or as Havelock Ellis put it succinctly, “Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.”

If you have ever experienced romantic jealousy, you know it is a horrible feeling, which often makes us react irrationally. It comes from within and usually has nothing to do with the other person’s actions. It stems from insecurity, low self-esteem, and lack of trust. The only way to effectively overcome jealousy is to have open and rational communication, as well as taking a serious look at the underlying emotional issues (namely insecurity, low self-esteem, and lack of trust). The problem with jealousy is that it’s a slippery slope from there to violence. According to the Domestic Violence Resource Center:

• 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime

• Almost 1 in 3 women murdered in the U.S. was killed by an intimate partner

This means that domestic abuse is real and serious. The first step to take to end an abusive relationship is to recognize that it is an abusive relationship. There is a typical pattern that abusive relationships take called the cycle of abuse:

Not all abusive relationships follow this linearly, so if you find yourself in a relationship that looks somewhat or even minutely abusive, please seek help. There are also different kinds of abuse: emotional, physical or sexual. These can be intermingled or separate. There are definite warning signs to look out for – I’ve always called them red flags throughout my dating life:

Jealousy and Possessiveness: This can manifest as isolating you from your friends and family, rifling through your belongings, wanting you to drop all your friends (especially of the same sex as your partner), and/or expecting you to spend all your time with him/her.

Controlling Behavior: This can manifest as calling or texting you constantly to keep tabs on where you are and what you’re doing, showing up at your work or school to check up on you, checking mileage on your car, bossing you around, giving you orders, making all the decisions, disregarding your suggestions and wishes, discounting your feelings, making you feel trapped or crazy, blaming you for all his/her problems and making you feel his/her behavior is your fault, withholding approval, and/or putting you down and calling you names.

Hypersensitivity and explosive behavior: This can manifest as bursting out in anger unpredictably, and/or making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

Threatening and using violence: This can manifest as grabbing, pushing, shoving, slapping, shaking, kicking, punching, and/or choking you; pressuring you for sex; breaking or destroying objects, especially those you value; making your friends and family concerned for you and your safety. If you or a friend find yourself in an abusive situation, here are some resources, local and otherwise:

• The Crisis Center of Tampa Bay –> Tampa

• CASA- Community Action Stops Abuse –> St. Pete

• SPARCC- Safe Place and Rape Crisis Center –> Sarasota

• RAINN – Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

• Domestic Violence Resource Center

• Dial 2-1-1 for 24/7 Crisis Hotline and Resources

Back to ‘50 Shades’

The relationship between Christian and Anastasia includes some “kinky fuckery” that uses inflicting pain in order to enhance pleasure. This is defined as sadomasochism. These sexual experiences are consensual and they use safe words – even if the safe word is simply “stop.” The only times when Anastasia is not comfortable with the sadomasochistic practices that Christian so dearly desires is when his intention is to discipline her, not to pleasure her. These are the times when she removes herself from the situations or uses the safe words. Because the interactions between Ana and Christian are always consensual, I do not find anything wrong with their portrayal of BDSM relationships in the novels. It is only the jealousy and controlling behaviors that are alarming. When life is a little less ideal than an erotic fantasy novel, these behaviors may lead to other less endearing ones, namely abusive behaviors. Don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.

What did you think of “Fifty Shades of Grey”? There are so many interpretations out there already, but I want to know yours.

Einstein’s List or How NOT to Save a Marriage

Posted on June 12, 2012 by Fosgood

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When someone mentions the name Albert Einstein, what comes to mind? Genius? Crazy hair? E=MC2? Inventor of the Theory of Relativity? Most people think of him as a scientific genius who was vastly smarter than the average person. That’s true when it comes to scientific thought. Yet, as evidenced by the list of conditions he sent to his wife of 11 years in an attempt to save their marriage, he had a whole lot to learn about keeping a relationship. Here is his list taken from Lists of Note:

CONDITIONS

A. You will make sure:

1. that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;

2. that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;

3. that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.

B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, You will forego:

1. my sitting at home with you;

2. my going out or travelling with you.

C. You will obey the following points in your relations with me:

1. you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;

2. you will stop talking to me if I request it;

3. you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.

D. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.

Despite originally signing the agreement, she left shortly after. Who was the smart one here? We’ve all been in relationships where our needs weren’t being met, but really!? You don’t have to be an Einstein to know when it’s time to leave.

Abstinence: Does Just Saying ‘No’ Really Work?

Posted on June 6, 2012 by Fosgood

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Abstinence is a confusing word. Adults have been throwing it at teens for years, having teens sign pledges, and teaching abstinence-only education. I’ve found when I ask people to define what they mean by abstinence, they get a puzzled look on their face. Responses are far ranging and varied. Most people equate abstinence with not having sex, right? But how do you define sex? From a medical point of view sex is oral, anal or vaginal intercourse. But what about everything else? During classes I’ll ask participants to complete the following statement: “If someone is abstinent they can still _________.” Answers will range from do nothing (as in no physical contact) to kiss, have oral sex, have anal sex, masturbate, or do anything but put-a-penis-in-the-vagina sex.

Picture this scenario: You’re getting to know a new person and you feel the sexual tension building. You look them in the eyes and say, “I think you should know right from the start that I’m abstinent.” Their response could be, “Cool, so you can still give me a blow job, right?”

Another statement I often hear repeated is that abstinence is the only 100% sure way to avoid pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection. Yes, but again, what do you mean by abstinence? If you mean no physical contact of a sexual nature, that would be true. But, you can cause a pregnancy or pass a sexually transmitted infection by having seminal fluid from a person’s fingers or the tip of a penis spread to a vulva or inside the vagina. HPV (human papilloma virus) and HSV (herpes simplex virus) can be spread by genital skin-to-skin contact – no intercourse or exchange of fluid is necessary.

When discussing abstinence with a teen or if abstinence is your personal choice, make sure you are very clear of your own definition. Be very clear what are you willing to do and are absolutely sure of the risks involved in any sexual activity within your definition. Then you must be able to convey this information to a potential partner so there is no doubt as to what your limits are. Finally, you have to stay within your parameters. Not doing so is the main reason abstinence fails. We’ve all heard so many times that sex “just happened.”

If being abstinent is important to you, then the power is in your hands – but education is key. For more information about abstinence visit our Planned Parenthood website.

The Transgender Dating Dilemma

Posted on March 26, 2012 by Guest Post

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Today, we’re very pleased to have Morgan Boecher guest posting on The Feronia Project. Morgan, who is trans male, runs What’s Normal Anyway, a webcomic about being trans male.

Sexual health takes on new meanings for those who transition from one gender and/or sex to another. Not only are there plenty of challenges navigating medical care for physical health, but there are the less frequently discussed issues of maintaining mental health while negotiating the minefield of sexual relationships as a transgender person.

When I came out and began the social and physical transition from female to male, I started creating a comic called What’s Normal Anyway. The comic helped me reflect on my experience, connect with others, and expand the narrow world of transgender media by a little bit. I also had a secret reason for putting my comic out there: maybe it would help me get dates, I thought.

Now, perhaps a webcomic artist isn’t quite the sexiest thing one could imagine, but while I was entering a realm of foreign gender customs and newly sprouting secondary sex characteristics, I was looking for reassurance in any form. Until that point, I had lived my life as a reasonably feminine female who did not have trouble finding straight boyfriends. While I had a hard time identifying with heterosexual dating scripts, I at least knew how to follow them. As a masculine person, I found that the rules changed. Straight guys no longer flirted with me, and what on earth would gay guys think of me? (Of course, there are straight and gay trans men, but they are relatively few and far between.) I sometimes felt more like a curiosity than dating material.

Dating experiences among transgender people must be incredibly varied due to the multiplicity of identities, sexual orientations, and bodies represented within the community. At the same time, each attempt to form a new relationship poses some degree of risk for a transgender person. A date does not have to react with violence or hostility to make a trans person feel disconnected, feel not enough of something – not man enough, not woman enough, not queer enough.

Dating presents another layer of challenges for transgender people trying to be themselves, and be loved and accepted as such. The will to keep in the game can require a great deal of resilience and self-esteem, and the journey is rarely clear and simple.

But hey, that’s what makes for good webcomic material after all.

Morgan Boecher is a Florida-grown New Yorker who is working on a Master of Science at Columbia University’s School of Social Work while he creates a comic about being trans male called What’s Normal Anyway, which he updates every Monday at whatsnormalanyway.net.

Hooking Up: Why Does Society Fear It So Much?

Posted on February 20, 2012 by E.G. Hanna

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We as a nation are prone to moral panics where one social group—perhaps a more religious, conservative one—decries a social trend that threatens a traditional aspect of our society. If something is considered a threat to a conventional social order, especially a relationship model where monogamy and celibacy prior to marriage is the norm, we are often treated to multiple news stories and editorials and petitions expressing outrage. Most of the more recent issues that inspire such fear and ire are related to women’s sexuality—birth control access, abortion access, whether it’s appropriate for Komen to fund breast exams at Planned Parenthood, and “hook up culture.”

The issue of hook up culture is not a new one, but it’s still an ongoing source of contention and fear, especially among older adults who look at new types of relationships emerging on college campuses and feel afraid for what these changes mean.

What’s referred to as hook up culture is a cultural standard among young adults where sexual activity usually occurs outside the context of a relationship, often without the promise of a relationship occurring afterwards, and the absence of traditional dates. This is opposed to an older model in which a boy called a girl days in advance, a date was planned, he picked her up and met her parents, brought her home by 10, etc. While premarital sex or sexual activity outside of a relationship are new things, it does seem true that they are becoming more accepted.

Most of the fear surrounding so called hook up culture is based upon an evolutionary model of male and female sex differences that insist women are designed to become attached to a partner after sex and thus cannot really enjoy casual sex. The other side of the argument states that this model is outdated and both men and women are capable of enjoying casual sex or desiring monogamy, depending on the individual and the situation.

Sociologist Paula England has studied hook up culture extensively, and gave a lecture on the subject discussing her findings. (It’s a quick and really interesting 6-minute video.) In her research, she has discovered that in many areas, traditional pre-arranged one-on-one dating practically doesn’t exist, but that most sexual partners are found while socializing in groups of friends. Hooking up does not necessarily mean sexual intercourse, but may mean anything from making out to intercourse. Most hookups do not lead to relationships, but most relationships she studied did start out with hooking up. It took a “define the relationship talk” to transition between a repeated hook-up situation into a relationship situation.

Now, what interests me is not just the anatomy of hook up culture, but how does it actually affect women? According to England, the double standard of the slut vs. stud dichotomy has not gone anywhere, sadly; women were more likely to experience slurs and judgment due to their sexual behavior. Also, more men have orgasms than women in these hookups. However, in repeat hookups or ones that turned into relationships, the gap in orgasm rate between men and women diminished over time. More men than women initiated sexual contact but that does not mean the women did not want it; it may be a reflection of traditional sex roles where men are supposed to be the aggressor. England concludes that it is unclear whether a hook up culture is better or worse for women than the more traditional courtship rituals.

What seems clear to me is that our society still has much to work on when it comes to sexual equality. Even though the types of relationships, and the way they transition into relationships has changed for young adults, not enough has changed. It is not important whether young adults find sexual relationships through dating or through hooking up; I’m more concerned with a shift from a society that upholds sexist priorities to one that insists on mutual consent, sexual pleasure, and emotional honesty.

Does the Pill Make Your Sex Life Sizzle or Fizzle?

Posted on December 5, 2011 by Genevieve

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According to a study published in the Journal of Proceedings of the Royal Society B, cited in Time Magazine 2,519 mothers, mainly from the U.S. and Czech Republic, found that those who met their first child’s father while on the pill were less sexually satisfied with their men, less attracted to them and experienced greater sexual dissatisfaction over time, compared with women who weren’t taking birth control pills. The study goes on to say that women who chose their partner while on the pill were more likely to end up with partners who provided greater satisfaction in other areas of their relationship.

My question is, “Why is it so wrong to end up with Mr. Nice Guy?” Do nice guys always finish last? We know biologically that when a woman ovulates she is more drawn to a man who is good-looking and masculine because our bodies are trying to continue the species. Women are subconsciously trying to find a genetically dissimilar mate to increase the likelihood of healthy offspring. I understand that some of our hard-wired responses, like our hormones and pheromones, play an important role in determining who we are attracted to, but I find it hard to conclude that it is all based on whether a woman takes a hormonal method of birth control. When a woman is looking for a partner and not a “hookup,” she is not basing that choice solely on her hormonal response to the way he looks. She is also analyzing whether he meets her needs, some of her wants, and deemed worthy of being labeled “the whole package.” I wonder if the women in the study that ended up with the Mr. Nice Guys of the world may, like most couples after being together for a few years, need to work on spicing things up. If you need a little help in that department, click here.

When weighing the likelihood of pregnancy over the possibility of choosing a nice guy over a hot guy, I think I will take my chances. I also feel that as women we are much more complex and selective when it comes to choosing a partner, and base that selection on much more than one factor. For instance, I would not choose the same type of partner today that I would have selected when I was 21. In my opinion, our age, relationship experience, past experiences, etc. play a large role in who we select. If you, however, are concerned that your birth control method may sway your mate selection, you could opt for a non-hormonal method like condoms or Paraguard (IUD/IUC). Whoever you choose to be with, I hope they make you happy.